The Cathedral of Snark and Stuff

In response to the debt ceiling crisis...

2011-08-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

'Nuff said.

Rory Williams Is Awesome

2011-07-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing more need be said.

About Rebekah Brooks:

2011-07-22T08:07:00.001-07:00

Or:

This is a choice that I leave to you.

The next time your cat gets an attitude...

2011-07-22T07:57:00.001-07:00

Remember - you do have options.

My final word on the Casey Anthony trial...

2011-07-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

Not understanding the GOP dichotomy...

2011-06-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

...of loving Christ and the church, and hating everything that he wanted men of God to do - like
help the downtrodden.

I understand that in order to help others, it would be good to be in a position where you can help as much as you can - but the "Fuck you, Jack, I'm alright" mindset...

I just don't get it.

This one goes out to fellow Daria fan Quiverwing...

2011-06-04T13:39:00.001-07:00

She understands.

Just something to remind myself...

2011-05-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

...That it's not always that serious, and that we don't have to be, either.

Just to be a dick...

2011-05-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

I created a few demotivators. Let the record show that making or posting them is not necessarily my approval or disapproval of anyone. It could simply be my wanting to annoy - and really, isn't that a good enough reason?

Farewell, Mr. Olbermann (for now)

2011-01-26T21:03:00.001-08:00

Well... that was a surprise. I was watching Countdown last Friday... and as I thought I'd be listening to Keith reading Thurber (I enjoyed the dog story from some weeks back) - he was announcing that he was leaving.

My reaction: 'Is this a joke?'

No joke.

Well, until he's back (and I await his return) , here's a fond remembrance of him: one of my favorite moments, his 'WTF?' on Rush Limbaugh...

I found an interesting site...

2010-11-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

at Big Huge Labs. One of the things you can do is make faux-movie posters. This one is based on the artwork by Kael Seoras, an artist and PPMB denizen. Thanks, Karl!

Because I gotta be me...

2010-11-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

I have to post this, on the upcoming Royal Nuptials.

Time flies when you think you're done...

2009-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

More or less. Not dead. Yet. Been off busy - writing fanfic, being in physical therapy (seven months' worth), and writing a proposal for a new TV series (please, God); now, I have to write the pilot episode. OUCH.

Anyway - found lots of stuff over the break - for example, this photo. Anybody out there care to tell me what her haircut/hairstyle's called?

More soon? Perhaps!

EDIT: Ohhhhhhh. Emo bangs. I like that look.

It's the year of the Ox, so prepare for more bull...

2009-01-07T21:11:00.001-08:00

Nothing to bitch serious about yet. Don't worry - this is life. That'll change.

In the meanwhile -nothing says 'Hello, new year!' than a burst o' the hormonal afterburners courtesy of one Jessica Alba...

Happy New Year 2009, everyone.

"D'ya fancy Billie Piper, sir?"

2008-11-17T01:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxB1gB6K-2A&feature=related

Catherine Tate and David Tennant (who, until this past May and a three-pack of Left Turn, The Stolen Earth and Journey's End, I only knew as barty Crouch, Jr.). Funny as hell.

I laughed so hard... yes, I'm finally becoming a fan of Doctor Who.

Back in 1995, I remember reading the 'Mondo Hollywood' issue of Details magazine, and there was agreat article about a filmmaker's first eyebrow-scorching experience of making a film - Lazarus, the story of a headless chicken who refuse to die. The line I remember from the article was when the guy said that if he could do something like that on a showstring budget, it could on;ly get easier with money. Doctor Who reverses that principle, because it's obvious that they don't have much money to spend.

Guess what? Hollywood should take a lesson from the BBC - because when you don't have money to waste on eye-candy special effects, you have to make up for it with actual acting skill and excellent writing.

In other words, the BBC has to be good at what they do... and they are.

A couple of months ago, I was awake at 3:50 in the morning - and where I live, the Sci-Fi Channel runs Doctor Who eps at 4 a.m. I learned a very important lesson that morning:

Don't watch the Doctor Who episode 'Blink' at four in the morning.

When you know what you're doing, you can scare the cowboy frak out of something with a few lights blinking, a few statues, and a hell of a script.

Here's a screenshot of the scariest moment (for me) in the episode:

See? THIS is what happens when you don't listen to the uber-cute little blonde who tells you NOT to take your eyes off the hyper-fast aliens who can only move when you aren't looking directly at them! I swear, I almost soiled every single item of clothing I had on when this happened...

It's a good show. I'll keep watching.

007 to stimulate the economy - among other things...

2008-11-14T09:49:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm a big 007 fan - so you know that today is a fun day for me. Quantum of Solace comes out today in the U.S. - and yes, I will be in the first audience. Daniel Craig kicks mondo ass as the new Bond - I'd go so far to say that not only is he the best Bond since Sean Connery himself, but that if he and Connery were the same age and competing for the role... I'm not sure who would be the winner.

Yes, I do. The fans.

You should hear the media talking about the film -I mean, they're expecting this film to not only make money, but to stimulate the economy because of the various products that are connected to the film's release. The video game, various products featured in the film... it's my understanding that the film has made over 200 million in the overseas markets where it's already been released, and they're predicting a 45-65 million dollar opening weekend.

They forget that this is James Bond. He'll probably blow up the box-office with a 85-90 million dollar open weekend.

Now, lest you few people who read this think that I'm more emotionally damaged and mentally challenged than I actually am (and let's just say that the bar is not too far off between the two) - yes, I know that it's just escapist entertainment. Jeez. Let me have an hour or two of 'DAAAAAAAAAAM! Did you just see that?'

Okay. I don't act or talk like that - but you get the idea.

On another subject - what's with the rail-thin girls infesting the soaps? Damn, you get the idea that a man would bed one of these women and snap the poor thing in half! Mental note, ladies - 'cocaine chic' really isn't, and most men like having a little something more than bones to hold onto.

Android kitten nipples. Why? Because someone had to think of it.

Green tea, Sean Hannity, and Palinanity...

2008-11-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

I've recently discovered Green Tea. Lipton Green Tea with citrus, in the 1.5 liter bottle. It soothes and fills Ye Olde Stomach. Good stuff.

Okay - now that the election is over, I can ask some questions, such as - what the hell did Barack Obama do to piss Sean Hannity of Faux News off so badly? I mean, this man all but HATES Obama - and if he doesn't, you seriously wonder if he and Obama had a converstion with Deep Thought about how Obama would get eternal historical acclaim and Hannity would get money and babes... I mean, come on. Look at what Faux News stocks their newsrooms with these days. Hell, I'd go G.O.P. if I thought it would get me a shot at a three-way with Jaime Colby and Ainsley Earnhardt!) You really wonder if Hannity is pissed because Obama (or a brotha just like him) took the girl that he always wanted out from under his nose, and he's never let it go.

(A sidebar on this. I watch both Countdown and The O'Reilly Factor - it's better than Comedy Central for laughs, more often than not. Granted, I don't agree with either all of the time - guess I just don't like the taste of either red or blue Kool-Aid - but I have to say this: When O'Reilly was on The View, Joy Behar was a total bitch towards the man while he went out of his way to be charming and cordial. Elizabeth Hasselbeck, on the other hand... is 'fawning over him' the right phrase to describe the was she acted in his presence? Memo to everybody on TV shows like these - the average person watches you for entertainment and the occasional differing perspective from their own. Bring it back a notch.

Almost forgot. Keith. Bill. Verbal Thunderdome. I'd fork out the pay-per-view bucks for that one without hesitation.)

Oh, and let's not forget the 'folksy charm' of pseudo-hockey mom Sarah Palin. Message to Govenor Palin: Please. Stop it. Just... stop it.

(sigh)

Okay.

First - you are not an average person. George Bush got away with that crapoganza twice; thank God that you didn't manage it this year. Here's the thing; despite everything else in your background, you are the Governor of Alaska. This means that you are in a very select group; U.S. Governors and U. S. Senators - one of a hundred and fifty individuals with a direct and clear path to the Presidency of the Unites States of America. The means of how you got there is irrlevent; the fact is that you ARE in that position, and no average person could attain that position. Stop pandering to the masses by maintaining that 'I'm one of you' act - especially when you're a Republican, a party that has built a reputation for, shall we say, lack of inclusion of the masses if they don't fit specific criteria in skin tone, religious preference and financial status.

Also, please stop it with the 'Real American' stuff. As a former comics buff, this is what comes to mind:

Just stop it, already. Stop acting as if intelligence and a drive to better oneself through education was a crime against the People of the United States of America...

Here's my big problem with people who, like McCain and Palin, make persons of higher education seem as they're a different species than 'decent, honest, hard-working, God-fearing, red-blooded patriotic Americans':

It's a slap in the face and the disavoval of what is supposed to be one of the oldest and the greatest of our communal beliefs as Americans - that we're supposed to work hard to better ourselves, and make it possible for our children to better themselves so that they will have better lives than we did. My father did twenty-six years in the U.S. Army and another fifteen for the Illinois Department of Labor, and my mother was a seamstress for the majority of my life so that some of my brothers and I could better ourselves in college. I was doing okay at that - I was producing TV shows for a local non-profit until a spider put me on the sidelines.

The point is - what kind of parent wishes less upon their child - acts to keep him or her from reaching their potential, intellectually or otherwise - and what parent then rejects their child for becoming exactly our society has told us to make our children into... more intelligent people than we are, with the same basic values, but with the God-given and school-infused abilities to consider other opportunities and points of view in order to make up their own minds and make their own decisions? What does that say about us if we say that our brothers, sisters and children are no longer part of us because they have learned and grown, and possibly do not share our complete values system or our beliefs? Does that mean that they are no longer our family?

Is that what you're saying, Governor?

End of rant

(By the way, if anyone knows of a good Legal Malpractice attorney that can operate in the State of Illinois and doesn't mind a fight or slapping attorneys who dearly deserve it around a bit - send me their contact info. I could use that.)

"What day is it? What YEAR!"

2008-11-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

Just getting the gratuious babeage out there right away, folks. No need to thank me.

Yep - it's been a while since I've posted. Laziness, I'd like to say, and for the most part - that would be correct. Lots of things - good, annoying, bad, sucky - most of them sterling examples of why most members of humanity could do with the occasional bracing slap in the mouth. If I ever find a person who's remotely responsible for some of teh crap that infects computers... oh, and by the way, I used to have respect for CounterSpy. HA! if anyone knows a good antivirus/antimalware/antispyware package, let me know.

Obama won. Well. Color me surprised. With Caribou Barbie and Darth McCain on the prowl, I really thought the public would swallow a lot more of their lies. Guess people really DO vote their wallets. Onething, people - DO NOT think that racism, sexism, ageism, discrimination, bigotry, homophobia, prejudice or any of a thousand other ills of our time and of all time will go away or are rendered null and void because 'President Obama' will be a reality. If you doubt me, look at this:

Hey, everybody - it's Mensa, and they're styling the big bikes!

Weed laws passed. Give me half an ounce, a couple of beers (anybody got the name of a good beer?) and let's party - besides, with the way my legs hurt sometimes, I could possibly argue 'medicinal use', anyway.

A shout-out to all of the Daria fans out there who are keeping a great animated series alive, and a special shout-out to Glenn Eichler, the co-creator of Daria, who just won an Emmy as part of the writing team of The Colbert Report!

Here's the image created by uber-talented grahic artist S.C. for a congratulatory message sent by Daria fans across the world to The Glenn (that work spearheaded by Australian fan Deref (yes, Handsome Doctor Deref, for you that remember the series) and PPMB Supreme System Lord Kara Wild. (Apparently, she hasn't reached the point in law school where they remove your soul and stick a demon inside. I wonder if that's what happens during your bar examination? Okay, I kid a touch too much.)

Congrats from the Cathedral to The Glenn!

Along those lines - PPMB denizen TAG has come up with an interesting shared-worlds setting for Daria fics called 'Daylight', dealing with ( it's TAG, what else?) some serious end-of-the-worldage as the Sun decides to bring the pain, and in the process wipes out nearly all life on Earth. Nasty stuff - complete with the knowledge that it could actually happen.

If you dare... the starting point is here:

http://dariaverse.com/daylight.html

Also, there have been some interesting Daria fics based in this setting. Your go-point to read on is at:

http://www.dariawiki.org/wiki/index.php?title=Daylight

Enjoy!

And now - it's time for some gratituous cuteness!

Well, I'll try to keep this more up-to-date. I'll also try not to fall off the stool I sit off when I'm writing when I fall asleep when typing. 'Sick and sad' doesn't even begin to cover it - but then again, neither does getting socked in the flesh silo by your four-and five-year-old nephews when you're not paying attention. OW. Going to have to sign those two up for some good old-fashioned child abuse...

By the way - semi-automatics or revolvers, and in which caliber? The debate goes on.

Off we go, then.

A Fellow PPMBers' definition of Heaven...

2008-03-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

This one's for you, TAG, for all of the Daria-related things you've done.

Time to be a'pissin' off the wimmenfolks and the Democrats...

2008-03-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

Let's start by thinking of all the cheap pickup lines you chicks have ever had directed at you, used in your presence, and (to really tick you gals off) the ones you wish that particular guy (or girl, because things have changed) would have directed at YOU rather than someone else, because you'd have jumped for it the way those hungry fish in your fishtank at home jump when you feed them after forgetting to for a day or so. (It happens.)

Now, think of the way guys and other women look at you when you wear (a.) something really nice, or (b.) wear something you chose with the specific intent of reminding one certain guy or EVERY GUY IN SIGHT that yes, you ARE a woman. (Okay. If you're doing it for the latter, this post doesn't apply. Scratch that one off... and by the way, more power to you, milady. The Id of every man who crosses your path thanks you.) Yes, each and every one of those straight guys wants nothing more than to use you like he's King Leonidas and you're Xerxes' pride. (Sorry. '300' came on cable last month - finally got a chance to see it. The Daria fans in the midst will understand when I say, 'Mmmmmm. Oracle girls. The Priestesses at DELPHI are hopefully that... limber.')

The ladies who see you dressed like that? Back when I was in college, I remember noticing the phomenoma I coined 'the Cone of Silence.' Watch when a VERY beautiful woman goes past or through a moderately-sized crowd: you'll immediately notice a defined 'cone of silence that seems to radiate out and behind her, followed immediately by a second field of sound. The first wave is that of the guys struck momentarily by their hormones drawing power off from all other systems, and the other women seeing an immedite threat arrive in the vicinity. ('Territoriality, thy name is woman.' ) Then, the wave of sound begins... the sound of the women cutting her down.

Don't believe me? Go to a college campus (or in the general vicinity) on a weekend and find out for yourself.

But I digress. Ladies - go back over all of this and if that hasn't annoyed you enough, then let be get out the 'coach gun' - the double-barreled slam that assures a 98% probability of ticking ANY woman off.

1.) No, he (you KNOW who I'm talking about) does NOT want to spend time with you, take a walk with you, come over to your place, or see you naked... because he's just not into you.

2.) You ARE just like a sister to him. End of story. Life goes on.

Now that the lasses are suitably ticked off, it's time for the Dems to get theirs.

Four words.

Rush Limbaugh was right.

Now, what do these two things have to do with one another? Well, in the traditional convoluted, ice-slickened and fog-filled road I usually lay out through the mountainside to get to the point, I also toss in March of next year -2009. That's the first full month the U.S. will stop broadcasting analog TV signals and EVERYBODY has to go digital.

Well, there are going to be a LOT of pissed-off people out there, once we get forced to 'experience the wonder and the quality of high-definition digital TV. Reason? Because even the most physically perfect and attractive among us will be subject to greater scrutiny in the new age of television... and because makeup can only do so much.

A few years back, a woman named Marny Steiner filed a court case against The Weather Channel on the basis of age discrimination, claiming that she was given the bum's rush because she was in her forties and they wanted to get rid of her in order to increase the ratings by putting more attractive women on the screen. Rush did a broadcast where he basically said 'So? They're right!'

Hate to agree with old Rush (did he get that name for the way he feels after gobbling down some of those ill-gotten drugs? You decide!) but let's be honest - the name of the game is RATINGS. (How else can you describe 'When Weather Changed History'? GOD! Memo to The Weather Channel! You want ratings? FINE! Here's how you do it! One - Get a couple of meterologists with gravitas and put them on the air. Two - Stop trying to be the Discovery Channel - with the exception of 'Storm Stories', your programming SUCKS! Three - GET RID OF JIM CANTORE! He's a walking punchline! Four - Hire back Hillary Andrews! yes, she was kind of ditzy and she dissed Cantore, but we watched her because (a.) we had NO FRAKKIN' IDEA what she would do next (see 'Howard Stern' in the 'How to keep them tuned in' manual) and (b.) lots of people thought that she was attractive. THIS is a point you should keep in mind. It'll be important later, and it WILL be on the final. Five - SHUT THE FRAK UP about how the female meterologists dress on-air! If Alexandra Steele wants to wear sheer blouses and thin sweaters, and it appears as if the tempature in the studio is -39 degrees every time she's on screen... this means us guys are watching. We like pretty girls. (Again, refer to the Hillary Andrews point if reference to Alexandra.) SIX. FOCUS ON THE WEATHER - don't try to make it exciting - unless it's very bad weather, the very subject isn't exciting... and then, it's all too exciting.

A happy day for me? If The Weathe Channel filched the tagline of Fox News - and then followed the spirit of it.

'We Report - You Decide.'

Again - back on subject. When you watch The Weather Channel, you NOW watch for 'Weather on the 8's' and the occasional cute weatherperson (Note to Eboni Deon. Slap your hairstylist and go find another one. Please. Hurry.) . By its very definition, that means you're paying attention to the looks. That's okay, if you're honest about it.

That's the problem with all of this - what ties it all together, and why trouble lies ahead.

Television, by its very nature, is about presenting the very best visual images in order to draw our attention. (Yes, really. If you're all about 'deeper meaning' and 'character development' - read a book. Not that television doesn't have the capacity to have this, or that it doesn't happen - but BELIEVE ME when I say that it's a secondary concern.) There's a reason why the terms 'Hollywood Homely' and 'Hollywood nerd' exist - because the grand majority of us COULD NOT be on a television program - or only as secondary characters, in recurring roles or as Bad Guys. Yes. Really. This is true. Hey - I KNOW that I'm ugly enough to scare starving pit bulls off the back of a meat truck. I actually scared the hell out of two stray dogs late one night, when I was returning from doing laundry. Long story.

Anyway. Digital TV is REALLY going to raise havoc in the entertainment and news industries, as only the VERY attractive will be immune to the equally humanizing effect that high-def will have on the on-air talent: it shows off every physical flaw.

So now, ladies - you're going to have to fall back on what we guys have had to deal with since time began: the world of self-delusion. Just kidding.

You get it worse. You won't even have the fantaasy of believing that, as a TV star, you're somehow MORE than other women, better, prettier, more alluring. High-Def will take that away - amd make you all that you are now, because as I mentioned earlier - makeup can only do so much.

Now, think that over for a minute.

Remember I said earlier that a good idea was to hire back Hillary Andrews and let Alexandra Steele wear what she wants, because (in a nutshell) people think they're attractive?

That's the rub, folks. If we think you're attractive, regardless of what High-def does or is capable of exposing, we'll still watch. If we like you because of what you do on screen, we'll watch. If you've made yourself someone who we enjoy on the air - we'll watch, regardless of what you look like or how High-Def reveals your flaws.

And, to you ladies in the real world - the same thing applies. If you're someone who we want to have in our lives, we will make an effort to keep you there, regardless of what you look like.

Here endeth the rant.

"We don't say 'die',we say 'KILL!'"

2008-03-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

Haven't felt too snarky lately. More like snarly, or snarling, or just tearing off limbs of others.

Feeling like inserting bullets manually in a host of people, rather than shooting them. Let's see:

- New York politicians involved in sex scandals. No, really? Guys in power getting a little extra tail on the side - who would have expected it? What's the world coming to? Personally, if I was all about getting some action all over the place as a politician, I'd join the Republican Party. Three words:

Female. College. Republicans.

Oh, yeah! Hot, intelligent, and 'dedicated to the cause'. Remember that horrid little ditty from Grease 2 - 'Let's Do It For Our Country?' Ooooooh... gotta love those young ladies who are prepared to give that last full measure of devotion for their Republican leaders. Say it with me people - Democrats like Obama have the charm, but Republicans boff their cute intern over the couch arm.

- The bloodsport we call the Democratic primary. As far as I'm concerned, way to go, folks. Either way, you've got McCain and his crew sipping bubbly and checking out the oh-so-nice curves on that cute little senior with the butter-blonde hair cut fashionably short, who hails from Oberlin College and who's taken a year off school (of course, Daddy and Mumsie are paying her way) so she could volunteer to work in the McCain campaign, even during the dark days of Summer 2007, because she knows that 'it's for the good of the country.'

They can afford to. Obama and Clinton have savaged each other with enough ammo that all McCain has to do is pick up their spent cartridges, handload them, and shoot the 'winner' from Denver with them again. (I'm here to tell you that that 'It's 3 a.m.' commercial is going to come back to haunt the Democratic candidate, I kid you not.)

- Why lie? I can't stand lawyers. Roberh Heinlien said it best in Friday, when he remarked that there are only two types of lawyers - those who meke life easier for others, and parasites. I've mainly dealt with the latter, thank you for asking. Tell me - becoming a lawyer. Becoming a vampire in the Buffyverse. What's the difference? Both involve arcane rituals, existing off the suffering of the commom man, and being given power when a demon is placed inside your body and your soul is destroyed.

Yes. NOW you can say that I'm REALLY pissed off about something - at least, God willing, I'll have the pleasure of reading about the sumbitch lawyers who've been the focal points of my past decade's misery as they burn in the real world. I'm tired of hearing about 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord,' and 'They'll get theirs in the end.' Unless I get to have their 'getting it in the end' involve the laundry-room floor of a prison, inmates who haven't had consensual sex with the opposite sex for decades and various implements suited for insertion sans industrial lubrication - I'd enjoy some reciprocity in the here and now, please.

And pass me the popcorn and the berry tea. I've developed a taste for it, recently.

- Pancake puffs. Do those pans really work? It looks damned interesting- but that's what advertising does. Man, those pizza puffs, cake puffs and blueberry muffin puffs look good...

Gonna stop now. Sleepy. Love to be tucked into bed by a female College Republican after a cup of hot berry tea and a couple of muffin puffs.

That's gotta wait until my next life.

Do they look the same? You decide!

2008-02-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you just have to ride it out

2008-02-21T18:47:00.001-08:00

Went to the dentist yesterday. Well, down to the clinic, where the dental tech students get real-world experience by working on walk-in lab rats- I mean, real people. Anyway, I had a teeth cleaning...

OW.

What sucked was that the tech working on me was a cute little thing, and I could have cared less. Attractive young women mean nothing when you're in pain and focusing past it.

We must have priorities.

Lindsay Lohan, grasping for attention (NSFW)

2008-02-19T06:34:00.000-08:00

I put the warning up because of the people who might be offended. You should go somewhere else for the duration of this post.

Okay.

Lindsay Hohan was never really much of an actress (let's not even talk about that abortion of a singing career), but she was a cute redhead who wasn't exactly bad in the remake of The Parent Trap, was reasonably cute in Herbie: Fully Loaded, and was was actually pretty damn good in Mean Girls (Rock on, Tina Fey! Excellent script!).

Maybe if she'd stayed home and worked on her craft instead of hitting the bar scene and hitting the nose candy, she'd have been something. Now... not sure where she's going.

If you're familiar with New York magaazine (and many of you will be, before long), you'll get to see what has to be the last gasp for attention that reasonably-attractive actresses use to try and stay in the public eye before the black hole of the B-List (and lower) pulls them across the event horizon.

Nudity.

Heard much about the great roles Elizabeth Berkeley's gotten lately?

Anyway, here's a couple of shots that define the last legs of what might have been an interesting little career.

Too bad. She was a cute little redhead.

On fire in so many ways

2008-02-17T03:58:00.000-08:00

So I'm looking over the boards on PPMB the other day, and comments on one thread somehow touch upon the singer Shakira (both the lyrics to her song Whenever, Wherever, and the fact that she has... an amply curvy posterior). I revisited the song on YouTube (the link's provided below), and as I watched, I recalled my feelings when I first saw it back in 2001 or 2002.

Besides that.

I've always been fascinated with bellydancing. Vestigal trait from being a fan of the James Bond films.

I recall thinking, "You know... I really don't have a problem with this."

I guess Sir Mix-A-Lot was right. (Even so, PPMB poster cyde got off a great slam in that thread. I almost cried laughing. As for the song's lyrics - I've never seen mountains, so there might still be some confusion in the matter...) I am such a simple creature, in many respects.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-3brRCRsA8

Anyway, I'm flipping through some old downloaded videos, and I came across a clip that makes me think that the events of the film Idocracy could actually happen. (WARNING! Because of language, this clip is NSFW!)

Now, at what point of this process did this Shrubya-worshipper actually think that this would all end well? I mean - really!

On a happier note, I took the points stressed in the coverage of my script and did a revised first draft. Tightened things up a lot, began the romance elements a lot earlier into the first act and cut the length by 20+ pages. (I knew that I'd have to do that anyway - 120 pages or less was DRILLED into me by my screenwriting instructor back at SIU-Carbondale!) I also cleared up the precise nature of the protagonist's employment, which the reader had a big problem with, and got rid of some of the more prose-like descriptions. (When you're not around people who do the things you do, occasionally, things slip.)

I'll let you know how things progress on that front.

Gotta love how that idiot rotates away from the blast zone, though...! I'm sorry, but this never gets old - it's like a groin shot, with pyrotechnics!

To paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson, "Stop, drop and roll, you dumb-ass motherf***er!"

If you can't be with the one you love...

2008-02-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

...love the one you're with.

As Valentine's Day approaches, consider these gentle sentiments.

As this is also Abraham Lincoln's birthday... the sentiments are even more profound.

Farewell, Jeff Gregory...

2008-02-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se9FNdyKFtk

He was a fellow poster on PPMB. I'll let the other people post tributes and say nice things.

We both really liked Babylon 5, and he would always catch my B5 references. This clip is from the first film from the show- In The Beginning.

I would have really liked to have met him in person. Someday, though. Right now, he's busy... holding the Line.

A fine line between playful and brain-dead

2008-02-11T08:27:00.000-08:00

I think we all know that I don't mind showing a little bit of Ye Olde Cheesecake in this here blog. (Don't worry, girls - this coming Casually Exasperating Friday (otherwise known as Valentine's Day) I WILL have something for you. (Fair's fair, after all.)

Today, however, I was casually surfing Ye Olde Net when I happened to cross-reference The Hills. For those of you fortunate enough to actually have bailed out from the zombie-infested cruise ship we know as MTV after they gave Daria the heave-ho (although if you ask me, there's a lot of actual 'ho's from the network that not only give you the dry heaves, but should have been given a heave - or a nice shove - out a wonderfully high window somewhere), The Hills is the spin-off from yet another MTV gem that renders the concept of ipecac moot in intelligent persons (Laguna Beach).

Enough said on description. Yes, there are pretty girls on the show, but to paraphrase William W. Johnstone, there are pretty girls everywhere you go. These girls, however, perpetuate the notion that you can be an attractive, petty, scandalous and vapid young woman (not to mention the guys) with the depth of an emery board and yet, be rewarded handsomely for it!

I bring this up because as I was cruising, I found an article that said that one of the girls - Heidi Montag - was going to be offered a cool million to drop trou for Playboy. I laughed.

To understand the ture depths of my mirth, go to YouTube and type in her name, or go looking around for her song. Turn down the volume so you can't hear a thing, and watch her frolic about on the beach for as long as you can stand it. Then, go back to the beginning and actually try and listen to the song.

Here's a warning, though; she makes Paris Hilton look like a possible Grammy contender.

Now, why am I dishing on her? Two reasons - the first of which is part of this page of The Superficial website:

Anyway, everybody's favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she's 60 and looking back on her life she'll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It's such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Damn. Anyway, there's cheesecake of somebody who actually has some measure of talent, nomatter how small, and is actually working and trying to improve themselves and their craft, (Snark as you will - Jessica Alba has some small skills... and a natural rack... and I do like her smile...) and there's spreading more images of a vapid child who's worth about half as much as a night's dinner, drinks and dancing with that hot Emperor penguin from Craft Services who always saves you a couple of extra giant blueberry muffins because she knows that you like them so much.

Sorry. Psychic bleedover from PPMB. Back on track. I'm not posting photos of her because that's all she's about - being yet the latest in a never-ending string of penny-a-dozen, here-today-gone-by-five starlets and wannabes that are the dead-on inspiration for Bowling For Soup's OUCH! that hurts because it's REAL! ditty 1985. Why the hell should I help her by posting photos of her?

Of course, there the naysayers who go, 'But - by even mentioning her, you'd giving her what she wants!'

A story from the past. Back when I was working in local TV production, I was sitting in the edit bay in the studio when Patrick (a foul little being I'll certainly talk more about some other day)walks in, wearing his gi, and stops in fromt of the door as if to announce his presence. (That's the outfit that people in the martial arts practice in. It's important - I know most of you know that already - but I had to specify that for the laughs.) See, he was teaching a martial arts class in a nearby park, and had just come in from that class, wearing his gi and carrying himself all puffed and proud, with the dirt and grass and blood stains on it - a warrior coming in from baattle, so to speak.

I took a look at him, and turned back to the editing machines.

I turned back, looked at him again, and then (I swear to God I didn't mean to do this!) I burst out laughing. I mean, REAL Laughter, the kind you get when you hear an old Robin Williams comedy skit from the '80's . The way you laugh when you hear Sam Kinison at the beginning of his short career, when you watch the GOOD Mel Brooks films (like Young Frankenstien or Blazing Saddles), or watch Richard Pryor - Live On The Sunset Strip. That kind of laughter that just comes from within your soul, when you know you should be ashamed of laughing, but damn it, it's just so funny-!

Patrick's face fell. Without a word, he walked off to the restroom, aand came back several minutes later in street clothes. He NEVER wore his gi around me again.

Moral of the story? I'm not telling you about Heidi Montag so you can go and ogle her, and drool over her, and say, 'Man, she's hot' (if that's what you're into). I'm telling you so that you may go forth and - as she attempts to make her way in ths business that we call show - you may laugh... and mock... and make fun of.

Look on the bright side, though! In between three to seven years, some righ guy with cash is going to get an excellent seat cover for his flashy car, she'll get a sugar daddy and off our collective celebrity radar and TV screen, and somewhere down the road, there'll be a couple of kids that are going to be kind of attractive because of Mom's decent genetics. Maybe not too much in the attic, but then again - that's what school is for. Along those lines - you ever get the feeling that the events of Lean On Me, and 'Crazy' Joe Cark, would have been better served if all had taken place in the school where the Laguna Beach kids attended (or should we say 'infested'?)

Oh, yes. The vapid child gets ten to twenty-five stacks per episode. Feel sorry for her. Feel tres sorry for her.

Yeah, right. Prepare to go to 105% on the snark reactor!

Just cute animals, and a little Faith...

2008-02-08T13:41:00.001-08:00

I just like this photo.

I also like this one. Is it just me, or was Ms. Dushku's Faith more interesting that Sarah Michelle Geller's Buffy (not that I didn't like Little Miss Likes-To-Fight), but Faith was just more interesting - especially when she and the Mayor were doing their father/daughter thing. Touching and creepy , all at once.

Also - Faith would kick the cowboy hell out of Jessica Alba's Max on the FOX Network's Dark Angel.

She looks better, too - whether in laced-up leather skankwear or in a simple little dress. (Remember the scene in BtVS, Season Three, when she had the simple little dress on, and the Mayor said that if aany of the boys in Sunnydale survived, they'd be lining up to go out with her?

Man... the Mayor knew what young men were all about.

The Cage Match Of All Time!

2008-02-07T05:40:00.000-08:00

There's a phrase from Dune that my brother uses, which describes this perfectly, which translates to 'Nothing more need be said.'

Thundersnows, the Super Bowl, and The Others...

2008-02-06T10:08:00.000-08:00

1.) Sunday. Super Bowl. Here in Central Illinois, we had a thundersnow.

That's right - thundersnow. You know, heavy snow falling, serious bolts of lightning flashing about and lighting up the sky, and that wonderful thunder, here to rattle your brains and terrify you (if you remember the formula that tells you just how close that bolt of lightning really is to frying you).

That was weird.

2.) The Super Bowl. I had some great chicken, good beer, ranch dip and great chips - and the Patriots got bent over a crate like Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. I heard that the boys in Vegas list 2.6 million over that game. Oh well.

3.) The Others. That was a sad little show that NBC tried out in the pre-Heroes era of 2000, when they had no idea that yes, there WERE people (outside of the fanboys/fangirls) who would watch a show about a geeky Japanese guy who was so damned and absolutely glad to have superpowers, and that he'd drag his boy along for the ride! (Still my favorite moment from the show; Ando is in the 'bad guys' van when they toss Hiro in - after he came back to save Ando by giving himself up. Ando looks over at him: 'You came back for me.' Hiro: 'This is how we roll.' The idea of having friends who've got your back like that, and they aren't buff, handsome, stereotypical hero-types... nice.)

Anyway, The Others was about a group of psychics. It was sad; naturally, I have all the epsodes broadcast on tape. There was one great episode -Till Then - and a reasonably scary one - Souls on Board. SOB haad an especially good teaser... something straight out of the really good - really scary earlier seasons of The X-Files (remember the ep with the school board members that were Satan-worshippers, and a demon in the form of a female teacher showed up to break off the Devil's foot in their collective flat heinies?). It was so spooky... and I swear that, for a moment (because I had forgotten what show was on) that I was actually surprised when the theme music for The Others began, instead of The X-Files theme. The scary part? At the beginning of the credits in the first act, James Morgen and Glen Wong were listed as producers... yep - you can tell a person's work from a light-year out.

I'll have to get the artillery to transfer that stuff over to DVD, and then, onto YouTube or one of the other video sites. The better episodes were the scary ones that didn't try to go BOO, but just told a story and kept going as you got scared and felt your bladder let go. Oh, yeah - and didn't try to push the all-TOO-obvious yes-we-ALL-know-its-gonna-happen romantic triangle between the cute and naive redhaired newcomer with the seriously high but as yet uncontrollable psi-powers, the handsome and empathic (in power and attitude) blond-haired hunk of a doctor, and the slinky-hot and oh-SO-bored-with-it-all blonde clairvoyant who has to try and be 'mysterious' (she goes by the name 'Satori', but her real name's Ellen Polaski)... did we?

Message to the staff of Heroes... granted, TV is a visual medium, and most superheroes are the handsome and attractive types (sigh), but remember what the guy said in Revenge of the Nerds 'I have a message for the beautiful people - there are more of us out here than there are of you.' A few more average people, and a few more average problems, too. (What you're doing with Micah and his female cousin - keep that up. By the way - thanks for getting rid of D.l. and Niki/Jessica/whatever, and giving Sylar back his power (gotta have a great villain to have great heroes) - did decades of Spider-Man teach us nothing?

Oh, yeah - CG - sorry, dude.

Again.

Random thought for the day - as soon as it gets warmer... I'm going to take a long, long walk.

Oh, and because it's the season, the guy I was kind of hoping to make a showing in the campaings for Prez:

Dennis Kucinich. If he could convinich Elizabeth that she loved him and wanted to marry him... this is the guy I want in the White House. His BS skills are obviously up to cosmic levels.

Requsite gratutitous Jessica Alba shot...

2008-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

Why? Because someone mentioned to me that it annoyed them! As the Homeboys from the 1990's FOX show In Living Color always used to say - 'Another satisfied customer!'

Speaking of color - this is Black History Month! Oh, I used to piss the people off when they wanted me to come up with stuff, because they wanted to always do something INSPIRATATIONAL. Now, boys and girls, if there's a word that I want hounded out of the Webster's Dictionary with dogs, shotguns torches and the requsite unwashed villagers, that's the one, alone with every damned permutation of the damned word. I am SO DAMNED TIRED of hearing about that.

Look at this - Americans are money-grubbing, untrusting, mean-spirited cold-hearted, calculating bastards. Exactly. Perfect for business and the legal profession. Seriously, though, what that means is that Americans have an affinity for people who can make money. If you can make money, well, hell, they may not want you to live next door to them, but they will run their grandchildren down cheerfully to get to the board meeting whey they sign a merger that will have you working with them if you can make them heaps and gobs and planetoids full of MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

Why am I bringing this up? There's a wonderful article that you've probably never read, called 'Legacy of Black Entrepeneurship in America Goes Largely Ignored'. Cliffs Notes Version - yes, racism has always been here in America, and no one will deny the good of the Civil Rights movement. However - something was lost in that time - a legacy of African-American business ventures that grew and flourished for several reasons... one of them now embodied in the Asian and Arabic small businessmen in this country.

That reason? 'We have to do it for ourselves, because no one is going to do it for us.'

In the idea that the government is supposed to come in and help solve many problems, have Black Americans forgotten that in the past, there were many untold men and women of color who managed - despite all the slings and arrows that a country apathetic to them (at best) could herl and overlook being hurled - to forge successful business ventures recognized by all as just that - successful? If you want to inspire someone - create wealth! As a person once told me, the path to success can be duplicated!

Along those lines, I was picking up some pain meds at the Walgreens yesterday when I got into a conversation about the upcoming elections. (Personally, I think that we're looking at McCain in 2009, unless he does a Leo McGarry before the election - but that's for another time.) Anyway, I mentioned that I was for Edwards - to me, he was the guy with the skills, and it shocked the little old lady to hear me say that. "But aren't you for Obama? Don't you find him inspiring?"

I really shocked her when I said, "No. I don't find him particularly inspiring." I found Colin Powell inspiring, because he was a guy who busted his ass moving through the military to get to one of the biggest, hardest jobs to obtain and handle without frakkin' up - and he kicked ass. I don't exactly consider a first-term senator who comes off as a cross between a rock star and a low-level preacher 'inspiring'... and trust me when I say that I have more than had my fill of inspiring preacher types. More than my fill, and more than a lifetimes' worth.

You want to inspire me? Bust ass on ONE major piece of legislation that has long-reaching remifications that will have people talking for a long while! You want to inspire me? Do that as 'a man from Illinois' or 'a man from Chicagoland' or as 'a lawyer who decided to do some good in the world instead of just making money'... not 'just as a Black man!'

It's like I would tell the jackasses who did the race thing back in college: 'Please - don't dislike me because I'm Black. Hang around. Get to know me - and I promise you that before long, you'll have reasons to despise me that have NOTHING to do with my skin color!' Obama might be the next President. He might even be a great President. Problem is, is Obama going to be a Black President, or the President - who happens to be Black? There's a difference.

Along those lines (getting back to the original subject), I remember someone telling me that Jessica Alba was a Latina. I was taken back a bit, because I thought that she was a brunette who dyed her hair for the Fantastic Four films. They said, no, she's a Latina, and I said - so what? As far as I'm concerned, she's a cute chick with a nice airframe!

After all - we have to consider what's really important.

P.S. - Watched Stargate Atlantis tonight. Emma Lahana (of Power Rangers: Dino Thunder fame) was the guest star. In her last scene, she and Joe Flanagan (who plays Colonel Shepard) were walking along a nice path, and she was wearing sone nice heels and a flowing shirt.

My, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my. Someone's really been keeping up on her roadwork, because she has spectacular legs. See, I'm a leg guy - and I do like 'em long and defined. Yeah. She's the money.

Something bad, something good...

2008-01-31T07:48:00.000-08:00

So, my younger brother comes over and fixes the doors on my car. PLUS..

Then he starts to lecture me on how 'I just don't want to work' and how I NEED to go out to the local school district and apply as a substitute teacher. (Apparently, he's (a.) forgotten that the problem with my legs hurts so much, and episodes occur out of the blue ofter enough that I keep Vicodin around to deal with the pain, and (b.) that this - 'me supposedly not wanting to work' - wasn't such a big deal from 1999 to 2006, when our parents were still alive and (especially in the case of my father) needed 24/7 supervision, couldn't really afford it and (in the case of my father) was such a pain that no one else in the family could or would set their lives aside to come in and act as caretaker. (You cannot divine the depths of jerkitude my father could descend to. The local senior citizens agency that provided him with part-time caretakers informed him that they would no longer do so - after he'd gone through seven or eight - because 'he was too hard on the workers.' I could tell you stories. Just use your imagination.) It's okay for me to have a disfiguring, painful condition when it benefits all others concerned in that you can't manage to escape your surroundings and are basically stuck with the short straw... but when I'm no longer needed to take care of the bastard - pull yourself up by your own bootlaces! You know you can - and by the way, you need to think about getting someone in your life, too! MINUS in negative numbers.

I got an agent based on my latest screenplay. PLUS.

In the script coverage I had done on the script, they liked the script but had some serious problems in terms of the placement of a couple of plot points. Also, the reader wasn't too crazy about the morals and ethics of the main character, but liked the original tone of the characters and the overall concept. They said I need to cut the page length and ease up on the descriptive tone, but really liked the romance in the script and the ending. They even liked the jokes, specifically mentioning how the set-ups paid off well. Nevertheless, they graded it as a 'pass' - but specifically said that rewrites could make this into a quality script. PLUS.

I hate working with kids - especially teenage kids - who don't want to learn, who aren't motivated and are dedicated to the concept of remaining unmotivated and ignorant. If you've caught any of my chapters of Legion of Lawndale Heroes (the excellent Daria/Legion of Super-Heroes crossover fic started in 2005 on the Sheep's Fluff Message Board by the Daria fanfic writer Roentgen) and read up on the character of Colonel Armalin, you might pick that attitude up. Maybe. Minus.

I hate the idea that people want you to assimilate into the social strata and become 'one of the group'. Okay, kiddies...

"Strength is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. We wish to improve ourselves. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service ours."

That's science fiction. I like being an individual and going on my own path, and I have no desire to lemming off a cliff because YOU say 'that's what's best for me.' HOW THE FRAK WOULD YOU KNOW? Do what's best for yourself, and make recommendations for others... oh, I can't stand this part of the 'starving artist' program. You know, the 'poor and in a bit of pain' part. It allows the baseline-normals to think they're superior to you and bitch-slap you around verbally. They're not aware of a wonderful Hollywood maxim that almost everyone in the industry knows: 'Be careful of the toes you step on today - they may be attached to the ass you'll be kissing tomorrow.' The average person doesn't think like that... which is why they beg, cry and plead like stck pigs when the blisteringly unpleasant concept known as 'payback' is brought to their attention in a particularly heinous manner.

Yes, I like money, sex and walking down the street without having oh-so-powerful individuals with their $50-60,000+ jobs for Caterpillar, the hospitals and the city or the state looking down their noses at me. - but we must relearn walking before we get back to bedroom acrobatics. The nukes from orbit will come later.

It all balances out. Have a nice day.

Gratuituous cuteness posting...

2008-01-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

... because we could all use it.

This week just SUCKS!

2008-01-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

It really did - talk about a waste out of my life - there goes five days I'll never get back!

Why? Never mind - it just sucks. However, in the spirit of what truly defines America - communal anguish - I now present a video clip that will allow all of you to sharn in my annoyance in the Asrroglide-free rampaging buttsecks that has been the past week:

That's right, ladies - despite what people say in the truly politically correct vein, physical attractiveness IS an important part of everyday life - and those who say differently are liars, deluding themselves (and you) or simply trying to make you feel better so they can get something from you, out of you, or into you. Guys - if you're not dating or married to someone who looks like this - you probably won't be, and if you are, enjoy it, because as soon as she gets the chance, she's leaving you with a lot of your finances and possessions, so she can be vigorously serviced by someone younger, more virile and more physically attractive that you've ever been, even in your best daydreams or fantasies!

Now, I'll go clean up around the place, and take out the garbage. I'll probably put a comedy on later.

Laughter. This is a good thing.

And now, for something completely different...

2008-01-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

...than one would expect for a person of color to post on Martin Luther King's birthday.

Yeah. This is from the animated MTV series Daria, and one of the most celebrated episodes ever - Quinn The Brain. I've always liked to think that this moment from the show proves two major plot points that many people don't like to think about (well, the ones who are in the 'Daria's an unattractive girl, and we wish people woukd stop portraying her in that manner!' camp):

1. Daria is an attractive girl who could EASILY compete with her younger sister Quinn in terms of looks, popularity and just having herself a slobbering he-harem of guys at her beck and call. Let's be honest - Daria in Quinn's day uniform? She'd have the boys begging for her to notice that they exist!

2. Several seconds after Daria walked past Quinn's room like this, and Quinn heard their dad call out those fateful words ("Daria, your dates are here!") Quinn relented her poser, pseudo-intellectual phase. She knows which side her bread's buttered on... and more importantly - who has her own butterfly knife.

3. The events of Quinn The Brain are canon. No disputing them because of the plot, and unlike episodes like Depth Takes A Holiday or Daria!, there's no disputing them because, well, the writers may have been smoking a couple of blunts loaded up with B.C. bud while working that word processor. (Yes, I know I said two - but, then again, that's just me.)

Finally, IMHO, Daria's cuter than Quinn - and from fanfic, Quinn's a screamer while Daria's a breather. Advantage - Daria.

Of course, your results and perversions may vary - but then again, isn't that what today is all about? (Okay, not really, but if you can't piss people off slightly during a national holiday that many people are STILL annoyed about (and many more are, but are afraid to mention it aloud for fear of, well, whatever they're afraid of happening to them) - then when CAN you piss them off?

Just remember, kids - it's always better to be pissed off... than pissed on.

Happy MLK, Jr.Day, everyone.

Gratuituous Jessica Alba posting...

2008-01-18T05:14:00.000-08:00

Why? Because it's Friday!

Sometimes, I really wish that I COULD go insane...

2008-01-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

Well. My younger brother went through outpatient surgery on Tuesday for a torn rotator cuff (I think that's what the doc said) in his left shoulder. They got ride of bone spurs and some other things, also, and then, hooked him up with a self-medicating pump. Oh, yeah. From what I've seen before, he's in real pain.

My most painful part of the episode is when, listening to him talk to the intake clerk, as to HOW he was hurt. Apparently, on his job (he's a teaching assistant at one of the local high schools) he and several other people were trying to catch a bat, and in the process of dealing with The Dark Knight, hurt his shoulder. Of course, Workman's Comp is covering everything.

This is where I get semi-snarky. Oh, and trust me when I say that I'm not bitter - I'm just PISSED OFF!

We now enter the Wayback Machine and head back to Early June of 1998. I'm at work (I was a TV producer at a non-profit here, behind the Corn Curtain). It's after five on a Friday afternoon, and believe me - I wouldn't be here, except for the fact that Commander McBragg ( not his real name - the Executive Director of the non-profit I worked for) made it very clear that we were to finish up the commercials for his own personal radio show. Dilbert (my boss - not real name), my boss, wants to leave, so he takes off a few minutes early.

This is where the 'you know, you were so STUPID!' sign should have lit up. I should have left as he did (after all, he's the boss, and if things aren't finished, well, feces do follow the naural incline of highly-elevated rock formations as gravity allows, correct?) No... I'm trying to be a good worker. Just as I finish up, I get bitten on the inner right ankle by a spider.

Peter Parker gets bitten by a spider, he becomes the Number Three superhero of all time, and the signature hero of Marvel Comics (not to mention the 'modern take' on superheroes started in the 1960's)... do I even have to mention the hot redhead? I get bitten by a spider, and well, let's just say that the last decade of my life has been, with a few minor moments otherwise... unpleasant.

Long story short. I couldn't work any longer at the job (after suffering for thirteen months trying to continue, getting NO medical assistance from the company and visibly getting worse - I should have made them fire me), I get NO assistance from the company or Workman's Comp (I'll write a movie on that one day) and basically, the world turns its collective back on me.
Lawyers? HAH! Not a one of them has been a bit of help! Yes, I know the correct quotation from Shakespheare, and oh, when he says that you were never your own man since, he speaks the Truth of the Ages.

I've never met a lawyer that I've liked. Perhaps it's just prejudice based on my own experiences, but the more I've experienced The Law and it's warrior-priests- and -priestesses, the more I agree with William W. Johnstone's character of Ben Raines. Also, the more I've experienced Lawyers, the more I laugh at the collective fantasies of law shows on television... especially lawyers that are driven to help people, and who (while wanting to make more than a decent living - a laudable goal) are less about making money and more about actually helping people who need it by acting as their guides and protectors through that which we know as The Legal Process. Tell me something - when you graduate from law school and pass the bar, do they take your soul out of your body and implant a demon within, the way they do in the Buffyverse? It would explain the last decade...

Of course, there was one exception. That guy helped me when there was absolutely no reason for him to, and there was no profit in it for him. To him, and the few lawyers that actually bring honor to a profession sorely in need of same... thank you.

The rest of you counselors can go fuck yourselves. Bit of a change from fucking over the rest of Humanity, and the occasional pig, goat, sheep or uncle that you occasionally indulge in.

Back on track. Aparently, in Peoria, Illinois, catching bats is part of the stated job duties of a teaching assistant, because Workman's Comp covers it, but if you're a TV producer and you get bitten by a brown recluse spider while at your desk doing the duties that the top man in the organization specifically stated you were supposed to complete - and that you otherwise wouldn't have been there to BE bitten in the first place - you're not entitled to compensation, because your job description doesn't cover being in places where you could encounter a poisonous spider.

For one moment, let's overlook the passage in my employment contract that I laughing referred to as the KKK - 'the Kunta Kinte Klause' - because it specifically states that your supervisors can ask you to perform any duties outside your normal job description as they may reqire. Instead, let's look at a partial list of duties that I performed as a producer for the non-profit I worked for as a TV producer:

* event videography, where I covered minority-based talent shows for long periods of time (say 7-10+ hours) in a park during late summer. Poisonous insects, angry attendees, gangbangers, sweltering heat, and basically standing still for hours while pointing a camera at people who only THINK that they're talented (although a few good acts do appear sporadically).

* video surveillance, in wwhich I was ordered, over the course of several days, to videotape the renovation of a recretion area in order to ensure that EEOC regulations were being carried out in that minority workers were being employed on the site.

* The (thankfully nixed) idea my immediate supervisor had of doing a story on drugs, with our filming actual drug deals taking place.

So, naturally, given the above, being bitten by a spider is MY fault.

Sometimes, over the past decade, I've been able to understand those shooters who go into workplaces and shoot the bosses. I DON'T condone it by any means whatsoever... but after almost ten years of advancing lymphedema, lower legs swollen up to the size of a Hollywood starlet's waist, lots and lots of pain, people looking down their noses at me AND with the news that TPTB deemed my brother's bat-catching worthy of medical care but being bitten by a poisonous spider while typing at my desk isn't... yeah. I can understand.

I guess I SHOULD be thankful. In a conversation that I had with the insurance adjuster, an unpleasant woman named 'Uncaring Insurance Adjustor Bitch', she mentioned that I was not to be compensated because 'even though I was injured ON the job, I was not injured BECAUSE of the job. Flabbergasted, I asked, 'Let's change things around. Let's say that - instead of being bitten by a poisonous spider, I was at my desk, doing my job, and someone came in and shot me. Would you compensate me then?"

Her answer: "No. We wouldn't."

The Law is horrible because of people like her - and Arctic Thigh Sweats, the Arbitrater for the Workman's Comp commission here in Peoria, who made the comment just before my drumhead WC trial "You're offered $10,000. I think it's a good deal, your lawyer thinks it's a good deal - do you think that you know more about it than us?"

Well, considering that I wasn't looking for money (aside for lawyer's fees) but instead wanted my medical bills paid and medical care provided to help me get back to work... yeah. Hey, Jackass and Jerkoff, my (laughs hysterically) 'lawyers', were only in it for the money, too - and then, threw the case last January.

A former friend phrased it perfectly: 'The Law, under normal circumstances, is not designed to serve the people who abide by it."

Oh, yeah. Commander McBragg - the Director? Annoying and morally unclean on two counts:

(a.) In the thirteen months between the injury and my leaving, he never even once asked 'How are you? Are you okay?'

(b.) A little over a year before I was hurt, he did an interview on the TV show I produced for his company, and he talked about his time in the Marine Corps. He mentioned about not being treated well, and how he promised himself that, someday, if he were in thesame position, he wouldn't treat his people the same way he was treated.

You know, lie to other people if you have to. If you must. If you feel that you can get away with it.

However... please don't lie to yourself. I mean, if you take a blood oath (which is what he did, in his own phrasing) and then go back on it... just because you don't like someone. That's when they lose respect for you. I mean, look - I'm a dick. I freely admit that - but I honor my word. (That's left me high and dry on a couple of occasions, but your word is your word.) If you don't want to go back on your word, then don't give it - but if you do, you can't take it back 'because I don't like you as a person!' Watch The American President, and check out President Shepard's speech on defending free speech. America isn't a great country because - how did Kennedy say it? - we do things not because they are easy, but because they are hard. It's not easy to help someone who you don't like, and yet you know it's the right thing to do. Hey - I'll think you're crazy in some instances... but I'll respect you as a person - and when you're in the soup, I'll be there for you.

Do I even have to being up the issue of a Marine that doesn't keep his word? Do I really need to even go there?

And, returning back to Earth orbit of this post, my brother's back home. He's doing better; he's able to eat not, and he's managing the pain better, as well.

As for me... somehow, there's still a part of me that thinks that things will someday get better.

Of course, the rest of me looks at that other part and bluntly informs it that a belief such as that - or Anne Frank's belief that people really are good at heart - are in fact certain indicators of a spiritual immaturity that the perpetual bitch-slapping seminiar that we call Real Life will rectify in due course.

I really need a piece of sweet potato pie right about now... or maybe some steak fries...

Peanut butter sandwiches and beer. My idea of comfort food for dudes since college. That's what I could use, right about now.

A blow job wouldn't hurt, either. After the sandwiches and beer, though. One must maintain a healthy sense of priorities.

End of rant.

P.S. - Went back and changed the names of the guilty, at the advice of someone smarter than me. Allowed me to add a touch more snark to the post. Thanks, old boy.

I hate the really weird dreams...

2008-01-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

I really do. Woke up at just before six this morning, because I'd ridden out a TRULY weird one; I'd dreamed that I'd just watched the sequel to the 1984 cult classic Red Dawn, entitled Red Twilight. (Yes, I know that there's no such thing. It was a dream, remember?) In this one, the Spetznaz officer dispatched to Calumet, Colorado to ferret out the Wolverines had not died after being shot be Patrick Swayze's character, but survived to be a true pain in the ass to not only the people of the area, but to the sympathizers and collarborators within the Red Army and assisting forces' ranks, as well.

There was a sequence in the film (dream) where a Russian general was sympathetic to the resistance; the Hunter (that's how he referred to himself in the first film) laid a vicious trap for him and his friends that - man, I didn't know you could shoot so many people so many ways... remarkably, the General and his aide were still alive (even more amazing, the aide was only slightly wounded). In order to keep the General from being tortured and forced to give up information, the aide followed the General's orders and shot him just as the Hunter got to him; he then turned the gun on himself, but found that he'd used the last round on the General. The Hunter was pissed like you wouldn't believe; he shot up the General's body, then turned to the aide and said, "But you won't die anywhere near as easily..."

The way he said it made me almost lose control of my bladder functions. This guy was 'Anthony-class' scary - Perkins in Psycho, or Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs... you take your pick.

The next scene opened with the aide being forced to run his left arm through this wall-mounted device that was a combination of grinding wheels that crushed down on and stung the victim's arm. The aide (poor man) had on his face a look of someone who only wants to be allowed to die, so the pain and humiliation will finally be over, as the Hunter stood next to him and - simply by speaking to him - forced him to run his arm through the evil device over, and over, and over. Did I forget to mention that, about fifteen seconds into that scene, the titles on-screen read 'Five months later...?'

The way the Hunter carried himself through the scene was in a manner similar to the way Hopkins talked to Jodie Foster... if he wanted, he could have had her do anything he wanted to - or with - her. It was scary to watch, on a level of psychological horror delving into depths beyond the failed propaganda of the first film and into a more mature level of terror akin to Laurence Olivier's performance in Marathon Man. I mean, this guy was playing the role with a calmness and an absolute certainty in that what he was doing was so right for his cause - and the way he inspired others into that, as well - that anything could be done to anyone... as long as it advanced the State's goals.

The scene continued; he finally left the room, but not before telling the guy that no matter what happened, no matter who came in the room, that he had better not take his arm out of the machine - let alone try to escape - until he returned. The Hunter exits, leaving a pair of guards outside the door, and about five minutes or so later - the aide hears the sound of gunfire! He looks outside to see ragged American youth - obviously, teens inspired by the 'Wolverines' - cutting down Soviet soldiers and guards; less than a minute later, he ducks as bullets tear through the wall and the death screams of the guards are heard, and several of the American resistance fighters come into the room! Almost pitiful in his state, tears of relief flow down the aide's face as the resistance fighters quickly get him out of the machine and take him to the door... where the Hunter is waiting, in the outer office, with the other 'resistance members'.

It was all a giant mindfuck. Killing all of those soldiers and guards, the whole thing - just to mess with his mind. They're all young Americans, yes, but so mindblanked and indoctrinated that they're totally into the Hunter's plans... and just to show how into it they are, the Hunter brings an especially pretty little brunette forward who extends her hand, and as the aide watches, the Hunter takes a pair of garden shears and snips off her ring finger, so it will appear that she's been 'tortured' and will be willingly accepted by the true resistance forces. The Hunter, tells him, 'I asked you not to leave that room, didn't I..." He walks away, and the 'resistance fighters' literally tear the man apart with their bare hands, his screams of horror filling the area.

Man. Why can't I have dreams with happier things? Being able to fly... diving into a perfectly blue lage and swimming about, diving deep within and just enjoying myself... blow jobs by a couple of young women who are experts in the procedure? They say that dreams are a reflection of your deepest desires and thoughts... well, what the hell does this say about me?

Besides the fact that I wish that Red Dawn had been a far better film, of course...

A gratuitous shout-out to 'Heroes' - the Season Two opener

2008-01-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sylar - and lots of beach bunnies.What more can you ask for?

Proof that I can be a sick bastard, Exhibit A

2008-01-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

So, I'm watching Alvin and the Chipmunks (proof in and of itself that I'm a sick bastard) and we come to the scene where the boys sing their song Witch Doctor. I'm looking at the boys sing, I'm checking out the serious female action in the crowd (cue flashback to the 1980's and the song Money For Nothing), and something I remember that Marilyn Manson said on Politically Incorrect during the whole 'Oh, no! The President got a blow job!' fiasco flashed into my mind...

"Blow jobs are like autographs and handshakes - when you're a celebrity, it's part of the job."

He did, of course, mean 'recieving'. However, there IS an interesting story that was going around in the 1980's about a certain all-girl band and their shenanigans with a DJ in the booth one night when they stopped in to promote their latest album... there's also a story about a certain attractive, auburn-haired former CBS reporter who now works for CNBC, and how she was caught by another former CBS reporter (who apparently doesn't think Paris Hilton - another fond and skilled advocate of the practice - worthy of being reported on) when the former and her boss slipped into the latter's office for a quick examination of her oral persuasion abilities when the latter (who was supposed to be on vacation) popped into her office and got a big surprise. What I don't understand is why a three-way didn't ensue - I mean, they're both babes, and hey - unless you're a scientist working with alien DNA, 'experimentation' is a good thing...

Ah, if only like was like Cinemax Late Night - and if your life is anything of that sort (a.) enjoy it immensely while it lasts, (b.) for the love of God, don't tell anybody! They'll spoil it for you, accidentally or on purpose, (c.) use protection, and (d.) as Dennis Miller wisely put it, send me a broadcast-quality copy of the raw footage of your better romps on DVD!

Back on track. Chipmunk sex on the road while on tour. Gives the movie Almost Famous an entirely new spin, doesn't it?

Thoughts from the doctor's office

2008-01-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a slow week. If anyone has any ideas on how I can generate a few hundred thousand dollars, let me know. I'd like to have that kind of money so I can travel for a couple of years and just travel about, seeing things and having a little pleasant life-experience.

No, I am not planning on visiting the Bunny Ranch. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all. I'd just like to get into a vehicle, pack in a few things (a few changes of clothes, my laptop, a solar battery, my shotgun, a pistol, my sleeping bag, a decent radio with a NOAA weather setting, a couple of blankets and a few personal items) and just drive off. Oh, and a cell phone with a little battery-powered reserve power cell. Turned off, of course, but there if I want to contact someone. There's 'getting away from it all' and then, there's stupid.

Anyway, today I took Miss Cobra (long story on that name; it goes back to the mid-1970's and how everyone and his brother had a CB 'handle'. Bore you with that some other time.) to the doctor's office today; she had an appointment. Always glad to help Miss Cobra out; she's a family friend for as far back as I can remember, and one of the few reasons I wouldn't immolate this city, were I to have the chance.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, while sitting there and reading a Tom Clancy doorstop of a novel (thanks for that phrase, CINCGREEN!), I was slightly bored by the low level of conversation and cute girls in the area, and I drifted off...

Dream snippet time. I dreamed that I was back at the old house that I grew up in. (P.S. my old address growing up? 1313. That's a conversation starter, folks.) I'n walking down the hall of the second floor towards my parents room, when I hear a female voice coming out of the linen closet; as I get up close, I notice that it's Traylor Howard (the actress from Monk, on the USA Network) and she's on the phone with someone. She smiles at me, I nod and start to pass by when she holds hout her hand to me, I take it, and as she continues on with that conversation, a very interesting session of 'handsie' begins to ensue...

I tell you, I had no idea that holding hands could be so... arousing. Nothing more, nothing less, and I have no idea why I would have a dream about that actress. I mean, I certainly didn't miss an episode of Boston Common in its first season, back in 1995 on NBC; she was cute as a button, and I must admit I like that look...

As usual, this is the portion of the regularly-scheduled program in which I drop off the grid and start talking about things that I really have no real understanding of.

You guessed it in one. Women.

Why is it that a hell of a lot of guys (and a hell of a lot of the scandal sheets, internet sites, magazines, TV shows, etc. that the collective stream o'lemmings gravitates to as if by instinct) have this idea that once a woman hits a seemingly predetermined age, she's no longer attractive or sexually desirable (or more to the point, shouldn't present herself in this fashion) - and mre to the point, why to a hell of a lot of women buy into this crapshoot? Case in point - Miss Traylor. Hey - I like the pixie look. I like the fact that she's not 'a classic Hollywood beauty'. I like it that (as a friend would always say) 'that she's a cutie'? I certainly love the fact that she's actually having a real meal - a burger, some sort of salad and a slice of watermelon. (Although I REALLY... cannot... stand... watermelon. However, that's another story for another day.) I like the fact that she doesn't have breasts with the mass to possibly retain their own gravity and magnetic fields and atmosphere. I understand that some science schmuck mentioned long ago that there's a genetic thing about men being attracted to big breasts. I have no problem with that. I especially have no problem with when I think of the former CNBC anchor Liz Claman; during 2006 and 2007, I was able to gain some small idea of what a friend who was into economics and the finance sector said on occasion by watching Morning Call religiously. Of course, redheads are always a big draw for me, anyway...

Back on track. Back when I was a freshman in high school, I had an afterschool job cleaning rooms at my school. (Actual work for a kid. Not a bad idea.) The guy who I worked with was a Navy vet named Ken, and he would tell me stories and give me advice (like older guys should give the younger ones. It's because of him that I've always wanted to visit Australia). One of the things that he said that I've always remembered was about breasts: 'If it's more than a mouthful, it's a waste.' Sage advice.

I mention this because - in our twisted society - we have this perverse fascination with large breasts that (pardon the pun) cuts both ways; it's as if we want woman to have large breasts and act as if small-breasted women are somehow... deficent - and yet, we objectify large-breasted women at the cost of their intellectual capacity. Worse, regardless of bust size, once women reach that 'predetermined (and yet unspoken) age'... they're supposed to delete any overt sexuality that they may project and... what? disappear off the landscape in favor of the 'younger, hotter models'?

I'm surprised more women don't go temporarily insane... or, considering the mass numbers of women who submit to the myriad of options that cosmetic surgery affords (or at least consider seriously enough that they actively research their options), perhaps they are. Now, I'm not saying that cosmetic surgery is wrong, or that having large breasts is wrong. If you're a guy and that's what you prefer, knock yourself out and go for it - but please, remember (as Amy from About A Girl told her roommates) that there's usually a person attached to those breasts. If you're a woman, large- or small-breasted, please stop buying into the fallacy that somehow, on any level, your worth to men is directionally proportional to your bust size, your intellectual capacity is directly inverse to said bust size and that somehow, your own self-worth is in any way connected at all to that!

Of course, women are saying right about now, "Well, what the hell do YOU know about it? You're not in our shoes, you have no idea how it feels to have men staring at your chest as if you're some side-show freak because you have a bustline that stretches out sweaters, or they look at you and say, 'if you didn't have long hair, I wouldn't be able to tell that you were a girl!" You're right. I don't know - and I can't understand.

However, as I told a young woman long ago: "You're right. I don't know anything about you. All I know about you is what you let me see." Self-worth begins with you, people. If you're proud of who you are - as a whole - then that one part of your anatomy won't matter to you and the people whose opinions matter to you...and it certainly won't matter to the person who shares their life and their love with you. They care for you, and your body is a bonus. That being said, if you're happy with who you are and you simply want to do something to improve uupon yourself... then cosmetic surgery is a viable option. Why? Because now, it's simply you wanting to give yourself a new look so as to present yourself in what you feel is an even better manner - not you trying to gain confirmation of your own inner worth from others through changing your exterior. There is a difference.

Oh, yeah. If anyone out there knows where I can get a hold of one of those old-school exercise bikes - you know, the metal ones with the upward-curving handlebars and the nice, sturdy foot pedals, and at a reasonable price - let me know. We can all use a change of the exterior, and back in college, I really liked going over to the Student Rec Center every day and riding five miles or so on the bikes.

A Cynical Light in the Wilderness Returns...

2008-01-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

For you fans of the MTV animated program Daria, which ran from 1997 to 2002 and provided absolute proof of the Snipes Conjecture (named after the actor Wesley Snipes and his line from the film White Men Can't Jump, where he stated, after the good fortune of another character in the film, 'that the sun shines on even a dog's ass sometimes')... in this case, that even a spewing dimensional rift in realiy such as MTV can occasionally have something wonderful or even beneficial issue forth amongst all of the hellish crap.

(P.S. - how many seasons of The Real World have there been now, in place of Headbanger's Ball, or MTV Unplugged? I'm still pissed that they killed off Dead at 21 before it hit its stride - and it was getting there - and bitch-slapped a decent parody like 2Gether into oblivion by making the saddest half-hour comedy imaginable out of an interesting telefilm.)

Anyway - there's always been a small, scrappy and resiliant group of fans dedicated to the adventures of OH (Our Heroine, as Daria is known by her fans), and her journey through high school, adolescence and the general crap that comes with being a young woman who recognizes the BS for what it is, and yet, still has to paddle through it all the way to graduation. (Lucky she's had an amiga like Jane Lane to watch her back.) These Daria fans have been responsible for ten years of amazing fan fiction, artwork, essays and just general discussion on the world of Lawndale and its denizens - as well as forming several Internet sites and message boards dedicated to OH and her friends.

However, there's always a point where things seem to get a bit off-track in any fandom. Why? Does it matter - they just do. In this case, however, it led to what's known as 'the Great Daria Fandom Implosion of 2007'. A number of prominent Daria fan sites either shut down operations or (just as bad) stopped accepting fandom contributions, and several prominent members of the fandom either left altogether or distanced themselves. In the wake of this, there was wondering if this meant the end of Daria fandom (as one person famously referenced in an essay on the subject, with the ending of the show in 2002 and no new episodes forthcoming, the fandom has taken on the attributes of a 'cargo cult').

Maybe, however, this was just what the fandom needed.

In the roughly six months since the Implosion, there's been a resurgence of activity in the Daria fandom; a number of new authors have begun to pour new works of fan fiction into the fandom for members to enjoy. (Two new names of note to this effort are Doggieboy, with his 'OH and BFF meets Damnnation Alley - without the mutant bugs' serial fic Apocalyptic Daria, and Legendeld, a writer who's already noted for his prolific writings and his unique manner of writing the majority of his fics in three-parts.) Also, there's the launch of Lawndale Online, a new mega-site dedicated to the fandom. (I really need to set up a small site with my fics and send them a link for fans who want to read my fics. I'm not exactly loving the formatting they're using for fics there. Oh, well. You can't have everything.) Finally, Dariacon Orlando 2008 is fast approaching, and for the Daria fans who attend, either in person or virtually, it should be interesting.

However, in the ashes and out on the cold frontier, deep within dormant, idle machinery... something stirred.

It seems that Outpost Daria - long considered THE site for all things Daria-related, and the body blow that could have signaled the beginning of the end when its owner decided to shut down in May 2007 - may be returning to full operation soon.

Why? How? Doesn't matter. If OD goes back on line, it's a good thing. As the 'first stop for new Daria fans' and the second listed site for the show on the Daria Wikipedia entry, OD was always THE place to find almost anything you wanted on the Internet, including loads and loads of fanfiction you simply couldn't find anywhere else. (The only exception for this was fan works of an adult nature - works listed as 'R' rated or above. No problem. The Sheep's Fluff has a section for such works - Mistress Daria's Dungeon - so those works can be represented as well.)

Let's see if it happens. Outpost Daria was a good thing for the fandom. It can be a good thing again.

Maybe it could add a couple of new things when it returns... I'm liking that 'review of stories' idea of Lawndale Online... maybe adding a co-administrator to take the load off the site owner when RL starts acting like a bitch and starts shoveling on grief or just a need to step back and take a good, long nap - that could be good, too. Another good section to add could be an 'in memoriam' section, with screenshots or mentions of inactive sites (such as Planet Daria, which went down before I came into the fandom), and with the mass amounts of fandom works out thre, maybe a Fandom Database showing charecters created in fanfiction and have sort-of come to life in Lawndale through that fashion.

Whatever the owner feels he can handle.

Now... if we can just get Viacom and MTV off the stick and making Daria webisodes... Daria minis... if someone with the power to say so in the front office would say that even though they can't see the company making any new Daria materials in the forseeable future, but wouldn't be adverse to the idea of fans who wish to show their affection for the program by making new episodes... I'd love to see Apocalyptic Daria in webisode form online somewhere, or The Last Summer, or even a one-shot episode that covers something that SHOULD have been covered in the series itself. Promise in Green would be the perfect one-shot episode for an online Daria fan-made episode.

For right now, though, the news of a possible return of OD is good enough. Let's hope it happens.

Pump down the volume

2007-12-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

Okay.

A movie that I always liked is Pump Up The Volume. Reasons? First, it has Samantha Mathis in it. In appearance, she's what TV Tropes.Org (check out the site, you'll like it) calls 'Hollywood Homely'. Meaning, she's not the super-hot, makeup-room hyperprocessed uber-babe spank bait that gets both men and women horny as all get out (at least in theory - I mean, was anyone really turned on by Pamela Anderson once you got past the innate urge to watch her breasts bounce along on the beach?), but a so-called 'girl next door' that guys are supposed to gravitate towards because of the implied possibility that, in real life, a guy like you or me could actually go out with a girl like that. A scene I especially liked in the film was when Christian Slater's parents werethisclose to catching him (they had him, folks!) when Samantha (always liked that name, too!) pops up and goes, "He was talking to me." (The scene must have stuck with the guys who did Transformers; the scene with Shia LeBouf and Megan Fox is almost identical, if skewed for comic intent instead of the dramatic in the earlier film.)

Another reason why I like the film? It has probably one of the most profound comments I've heard out of a film aimed at teenagers; in the sequence when 'Hard Harry' goes on the air after a boy committs suicide (just after talking to him on the air and saying "I'm all alone..." - easily one of the saddest moments in the film), a cop listening to the broadcast says to his partner, "I think you've forgotten what being a kid was like."

The thing that I really like is how, it its own way, the film, in it's depiction of a pirate DJ, somewhat mirrors the Internet in how the things you put out there are interpreted. I once read somewhere (and please, correct me if I'm wrong) that less than 10% of communication between persons is through the actual use of words. If this is true, this explains why I'm such a lousy poker player, and why I NEVER play at casinos. I've been smoked harder than a Virginia ham or the last load in the bong at a really good house party. (And just for the record - no. I never did get to sign the trip board.) The thing is, on the air or online, all you have to represent you are your words. Yes, there can be intent behind them, and after a time, one can get a feel for the manners and patterns that a person has when they post, but really - can you ever really know who someone is online? Certainly, they're not the person they are in real life (or so we hope, in some cases).

So why am I bringing this up? Well, I made a stupid mistake a couple of days ago on a web site I frequent - and as Don Imus can tell you, trying to make a joke is the single fastest way towards starting some sort of flare-up that you can imagine. Making a directly racist, sexist or homophobic comment towards someone will not start trouble online or on the air faster than the abject sin of trying to be funny and flubbing it up by offending someone.

Oh, and that's what I did. In the middle of a thread of a person (person A) who's threads I usually avoid (more on that later) and I happened to miss that it was this person's thread because I was reading the post due to the fact that another poster (person B) had made a comment. There were a couple of comments made between posters that were funny (B and person C), and (why the hell isn't there an EWS for stupidity when writing posts? Because mine would probably burn out in the first month) I added my post, referencing A as I did so, because there's a longstanding, running joke about A and C.

A few minutes later, I recieved an IM from C, who mentioned that A didn't appreciate being joked about in that fashion, and asked if I'd not do it again. Okay. Somebody sees that you did something that wasn't kosher, gets in touch and says 'What you did was hurtful, and it was wrong. Would you please not do it again?' I can get behind this - after all, the reason we're all here is because this supposed to be fun, right?

I head back over to the web site to clean it up... too late. A had read that, and made a rude comment back. Now, what I should have done was just clean up my mess and go away (as I said, I usually avoid this person's postings), but noooooo! I'm an idiot that (on some level, but it is lessening) actually believes that modus vivendi is theoretically possible between anyone. I mde the stupid mistake of commenting on that. Of course, this led to that person making comments on how I'm blaag, blah, blah. That doesn't matter.

Three things about this do make me wonder, though.

1.) Why couldn't A simply send me a PM saying 'Look - you're not a total asshole, and maybe you haven't gotten the message before, so let me say it clearly. This bothers me when you do it. Please don't do it again'? Other people have done that before when I've made comments that they found offensive or that they believed that someone else would find offensive, and I immediately cleaned it up. No, I'm not about kissing ass or 'trying to make a happy world for everyone', but if I do something stupid, I DO try to walk it back.

2.) I wasn't trying to be offensive towards A in the first place - I was actually making light of C, and actually, not even thinking of A when I made that remark. Now, THAT could be considered a slap in the face to A - but then, I direct your attention to #1 above.

3.) There have been comments between myself and A in the past; as a result, I simply avoid responding to A's posts, even when they are on topics I find interesting. (Why even risk the chance of all of the stupid back-and-forth, because there's nothing I could say that A wouldn't and hasn't found insulting or patronizing, in their opinion.) However, in response to a comment A made on a specific movie star they found interesting, I found a photo online that I felt they might appreciate and just posted it as a courtesy. No commentary or anything. I guess that some people don't understand the subtle nuances of the concept known as the 'olive branch'... or stop to think or consider that if someone does that - then why would they deliberately stoop to insult you? Maybe they're trying to make nice...

Maybe it was just simply an honest mistake. Maybe they're just trying to just keep heading off in their own direction, slipped up, and simply made a mistake. A mistake. A misunderstanding. They were stupid.

There's an old story - I have no idea where it comes from - about two warring armies that had somehow manages to agree to sign an armistice. The two armies gathered at the appointed place for the signing; however, both sides were skepticaal of the other's true intent, and on the watch for the slightest sign of treachery. Just as the leaders were about to sign the treaty, a warrior on one side saw a asp sliding towards him and drew his sword to kill it. Rather than looking to see why he drew his sword, the opposite side unsheathed their eapons and attacked, setting off a slaughter.

Obviously, I don't see this - you can't even call it a disagreement - as anything near that story. However, it does being up one problem with posting online: if someone's looking to be offended, or expecting that, then that's all they'll see, even if you've tried to be nice to them. That's the problem about having to be around some people, or touching upon certain topics that they or others might present on the boards : you always have to walk on eggshells in their presence for fear of offending, even accidentally, and if you get into a flame war with them, then you'll never win (as if 'winning' was possible. It's words online). Long ago, a friend of mine once said that he wished that he could go back in time, so that he could 'un-know' certain people. I can see that, in that I sometimes wish that I'd never posted opinions on several threads.

There's another paassage in Pump Up The Volume that comes to mind as I write this:

And now, all my horny listeners, get one hand free - because yes, the 'eat me, beat me' lady is back.

Come in. Every night, you enter me like a criminal. You break into my brain, but you're no ordinary criminal. You put your feet up, you drink your can of Pepsi; you start to party, you turn up my stereo. Songs I've never heard, but I move anyway. You get me crazy - I say, 'Do it. I don't care just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me - talk hard!'

...

I like that. 'Talk Hard.' I like the idea that a voice can just go somewhere uninvited and just kind of hang out like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind. To me a thought is like a virus. You know, it can just kill all the healthy thoughts and just take over. That would be serious. I know all of my horny listeners would love it if I would call up the 'eat me, beat me' lady. But no! Because... she never encloses her number!

Always the same red paper, the same beautiful black writing. She's probably a lot like me: a legend in her own mind. But you know what - I bet in real life... she's probably not that wild. I bet she's kind of shy, like so many of us who briskly walk the halls, pretending to be late for some class, pretending to be distracted. Hey - poetry lady. Are you really this cool? Are you out there? Are you listening?

That's the funny thing about so many of the people that you 'meet' or 'run across' online... they're simply electronic personas that aren't that much (in most cases) the way they are in real life. The reason I bring this up? Because in the years I've been in a couple of online fandoms, I've had the pleasure to meet and/or speak with the actual persons I've encountered online... and oh, I know that I've come across as a blundering, barely-animated carcass with the IQ of soap scum in at least one occurence. (Yeah. That's a memory that resonates quite well for me. After I'm finished typing, I'll go hit my head against something somewhat hard a few times.) However, there are a few people who I would truly like to meet in real life. Not to start a fight, or an argument, or to even act belligerant towards. I would truly like to sit down across a table from a number of these people, haave a cup of tea (I am one of the few people in the world who's never had a cup of Starbucks coffee - let's see how long I can keep away...) and see if they're really anything remotely like the people they portray online.

Who knows? Maybe in real life, they're actually people worth knowing.

Of course, that means I have to clean up my act, too. Maybe I should shave the beard and keep it off... but I really hate shaving all of the time. Here's an idea - I'll find a way to transport myself back to Great Britain in the 19th Century and join the Royal Navy! That way, I can keep my beard, I'll get to travel, I won't have to think about online forums (and people won't have to read my bitchy whinings) - and best of all, I'll get some of that kick-ass Pusser's Rum that the Royal Navy issued to their sailors.

A double tot of rum. Maybe I should have some of that before I post - why bother typing when you could hoist a glass of excellent spirits in the service of His Majesty?

(P.S. - if anyone wants to get together for a friendly glass or two of rum, I think I could arrange that. Let's hold off until spring, though. I'll fire up the grill and throw on a few slabs of ribs, we'll get a few sides and sit outside in the breeze and have some decent conversation. Well... I'll just keep my mouth shut any let the smart people talk. Ilearn more new things that way.)

An... unusual cover of 'Bad Day'

2007-12-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQZLCNRYqMM

Because, sometimes, you just need a heavy dose of adorably cute - or annoying as hell, depending on your perspective.

Can you believe that this movie made almost ninety-five million dollars? Holy Mother of God! My brother saw in and said, quite plainly, the film was not worth eight dollars. Wait for it on cable or DVD, he said. (EDIT: I just red on Yahoo! News that the film's ending the year with a total of ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS! Oh. My. God. Now THAT'S a lot of acorns.)

Hmmn. The trailers do look cute as hell - and who is that babe who plays the housekeeper? I mean, if she can cause Simon to grow antlers, as well as fur in all of those, ahem, special places, well, you know she's hot!

Oh, yeah. Time for me to go off subject again, more or less - but I saw the clip of Dave and his ex-girlfriend Claire at dinner. That annoyed the hell out of me when she did that line about 'I'm glad we're like this - two friends, no pressure...' BULLSHIT! You KNOW why you're there! After the appropriate interval where you convince yourself that 'he likes you as a person', then you feel that you can release the self-imposed inhibitions on your lustful nature, have him strip you down to your bare essentials, take you to wherever and then have the guy (hopefully!) bang you like the dinner bell at a dude ranch!

Well, most women act like that. (Don't be fooled by the 'slutwear is in!' trend of the past decade - thanks, Britney! I'm sure your little sister appreciated the example you set for her - not only when she let some Nickelodeon exec on Zoey 101 have his way with her, but in how they had her boyfriend take the fall when she got knocked up. Can't wait to read the book the grandma's got coming out on child-rearing. A back-to-back Chris Rock-Robin Williams concert probably won't be as funny.) Most women - well, from what I've seen - still don't enjoy being seen as - well, use whatever term you prefer for 'morally loose woman who spreads her legs if the windspeed surpasses 10 MPH and invests in her own custom-made kneepads...'

Men, on the other hand, are ready for even the most foul and cursory sex at a moment's notice. I recall a doctor's visit I had back in late 2002. I hadn't been going out with anyone - the legs, and taking care of the parents - and the doc asks me 'the ususl questions'"

'Do you drink?'

'Infrequently.'

'Do you smoke?'

'Only when ignited. No. I've never smoked.'

'Are you sexually active?'

You know, one of my faults is that I really love to see the look in a person's eyes when his or her reality suddenly gets a good, hard shake. Now, I swear I didn't plan this ahead, or think about it - but when he asked me that, I stopped, looked him directly in the eye... and then burst out laughing. Real laughter. The laughter that comes when someone tells a joke that really hit the mark. A joke like the final one Mill Maher told in his show The Decider, when he pointed out that his favorite Bush Administration appointee was a gynecologist who was anally raping his wife during the course of their marriage while she was asleep - and when confronted about it, said that he had mistaken her anus for her vagina. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you - the Bush Administration!"

The doctor looks at me and blinks - hard - before finding his voice. "Uh... are you not having sex because you're gay?"

Time to hit his cortex with another shockwave: "Hell, no! If I were gay, I'd be getting it right and left!"

Now, before anyone says that I'm insulting gay men, let me remind you that - gay or straight - all men are hard-wired to have a specific attitude towards sex, and yes, it is an attitude that can be controlled in a number of ways. On the same token, women are all hard-wired in the fashion - to have a specific attitude towards sex that a number of factors can moderate.

It's biology. It's The Way Things Are.

I guess, then, that that scene shouldn't bother me so much. It's simply a reflection of reality, more or less.

Hmn. With that, we get back on the tracks, and enjoy the wacky adventures of Alvin and the boys trying to hook Dave up. Guys - next time, set him up with the housekeeper. Nice...

How far can I push the edge...? (NSFW)

2007-12-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

Okay.

In one of my first posts, I posted a photo. Of course, it offended the dear and tender sensibilities of one viewer, who immediately labeled it as porn.

In retrospect, I should have labeled that post as NSFW (as one insightful lady pointed out). I apologize now for offending anyone who may have inadvertantly viewed that photo and was emotionally scarred by the sight of a semi-clohed, beautiful young woman. Now, having done that, I now present other images that may not be safe for the delicate eyes of some other viewers.

You are hereby warned that sensititve viewers may be shocked and appaled by the graphic and possible controversial images presented within this post. Please - consider yourself warned before proceeding further.

Behold - the wages of the Deadly Sin of Gluttonty... and of allowing the young to engage in such activities! For shame! Where are the parents?

My God - that Tribble is NAKED!

It's a large slice of pie - there's cream on top - and there's a fork next to it! What kind of salacious messages will people get from such a lurid image? What debauched, unholy pleasures will this photo entice good people into?

Oh, no. A photo of Captain Elizabeth Lochley out of uniform, in an obviously suggestive posture and wearing attire that no person currently in the Armed Forces should EVER be seen in! Quick - let's deprive our world of a highly trained, experienced and valuable military asset because she made the mistake of dressing in an outfit - before she joined the military - that most other women only wish they could wear as well!

If even one small, adorable kitten takes up arms and engages in a violent, bloody shooting rampage because I posted this photo... I don't think that I could live with myself.

End of line.

All I need is a lobotomy and some tights

2007-12-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

You want to know what pisses me off? The attitude some people have that, unless you're at a certain point of 'growth' at a specific time in your lifespan, you're just not trying hard enough, or that you're just not good enough to be seen in their presence.

Case in point. I'm not married, and I'm not dating. Some would argue this as proof beyond refute of the innate superior intellectual capability of the human female. Some would say that it's simply because I don't have the scratch necessary to pull down a woman. Most would say that I'm simply not trying.

Let's go with the third option for the moment. To quote Robert Heinlein, sex is everywhere; it's silly to pay for it. (That being said, there's a lot of guys - and more than a few women - who've taken Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman and his attitude to heart, and feel that simply going to a person who specializes in that particular occupation when the urge arises is a better option. In their eyes, it's simply easier than dealing with the endless sub-munitions that litter the landscape of every relationship just for some sex.

Not that I'm against a 'relationship'. In fact, let's be honest about it - if you can find someone who actually likes you, enjoys having sex with you a good portion of the time you both actually deign to have it, isn't ashamed to be seen in public with you and (to your surprise) is actually there at your side when something really bad happens instead of leaving a contrail as they head out of the gravity well to the point where they can make the jump to hyperspace... that's a good thing. (Of course, here's hoping that you have the common sense to give as good as you get.)

What I am against is the belief that some people have that I'm supposed to be with someone - based on their idea of who that someone I'm supposed to be with is. It's for this reason that, on general principle, I hate the concept of blind dates. (Of course, the fact that I'm ugly enough to scare a starving pit bull off the back of a meat truck must also come into consideration. I am so very tired of women screaming like the Bride of Frankenstien and then doing their 'Marion Jones on go-juice' impression as they dash out of the cafe. A man can get the impression that women don't think very much of him after that happens a few times.) Nevertheless, who others think you might be good with is only part of the problem.

Another part? Your own unrealistic expectations. I'll let you simmer over that for a moment as you think not of the girl or guy that you'd like to be with, but the type of guy or girl that you think that you deserve to be with. (To be honest, this is a problem only with the very arrogant, the very snobbish, the very delusional, and anyone who looks like any character on a FOX Network or WB / CW Network program since 1989... when 90210 premiered.)

Hell, I'm a fan of the old-fashioned way of meeting someone... you just run into them somewhere, and say, 'Hmn. That's an interesting person...' As for me, with one exception, every woman that I've ever had a real interest in, the whole thing started with us not being able to stand each other. I have a horrible tendancy to let whatever's on my mind slip out - or worse, it was only when I got older when I realized that women really don't mean that they actually want to know what your opinion is or what you're thinking about. (Oh, God - PLEASE don't fall for the oldest trap in the book - 'Please tell me the truth...') They NEVER want to hear that! They want you to tell them whatever it is a fast-thinking or slick-as-hell guy can come up with on the spur of the moment to say that'll allow them to say to themselves, 'Yeah. I can believe that.' (The last five minutes of The Godfather is a textbook example of this.) Of course, once they got past the 'You're an absolute bastard' part, I guess they decided that I was all right, after all.

Back on the tracks of the subject again...Just because you're married, or you're in a relationship, or you're going out every not and then to bang or get banged by something - well, that doesn't mean that I have to follow along with you and your social ilk just to provide some sort of moral edification that your lifestyle is The Right Way, and that if I got my head in the game and followed along, well, then I'd be just as happy as you think you are right now! I've got a message for all of you matchmakers out there who want to pair everyone off into 'happy little couples'...

...

(Please, think of the worst possible think that you can imagine being called by someone, take it up three notches, and then envision Samuel L. Jackson being incredibly pissed on and totally uncaring about hurting your feelings or your mothers' feelings if she were there, too, as he says those things. That's the messge I have for all of you 'matchmakers'.)

Oh, and for the record, my parents were married for fifty-one years. On the flip side, I have five brothers and a sister. Each of them has been divorced at least once, for a current total of thirteen divorces.

Thank God I'm just too damned ugly to really need worry about any of this, regardless of what people think (if you want to actually consider the mental processes of most persons as 'thinking'). Oh, well. I'll have to find some way of 'relieving myself' when the urge arises...

Wonder what's on Cinemax late-night this evening?

After the world goes 'Stop! Stop! Oh, God, it hurts...!'

2007-12-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.pamedia.com/

THis is the web site of Post-Apocalyptic Media - basically, all that and more dealing after the world goes 'Boom', falls over from some super-bug, the aliens show up and go 'Now, you're going to be my little bitch!', and what happens to the world afterwards.

Give it a look.

I don't know... I've always been interested in post-apocalyptic fiction.

The Stand - more the novel, VERY less so the ABC miniseries... Harold Emery Lauder as a Nazi-type and oh, did they REALLY frak up Nadine Cross... Laura San Giocomo as Nadine? Jesus, that's GOT to be the worst piece of miscasting since Mary Elizabeth Mastriantonio as Maid Marian in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves! (gags reflexively) You know who would have made a great Nadine? Lindsay Sloane, from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (who, if she were the right age, would make a perfect Stacy Rowe for a live-action Daria film).

Jericho. Can't wait for it to come back in February.

Captain Power and The Soldiers of the Future. If you don't remember this, it ran for one season - 1987-1988. It was the work of the great J. Michael Strazinski - the big man who created my personal favorite show of all time, Babylon 5. It had the hallmarks of what makes J. Michael a hell of a creator, and you have GOT to see the last episode, when - ah, that would be telling. One thing about J. Michael is that he's always been able to elicit emotion out of, and bring a level of understanding about even his 'evil' characters. You can see this in the way he wrote Overlord, and that last episode...

Robotech. Yes, I know that Cark Macek's name in anime circles is akin to Adolf Hitler's; to all of those people, I have only one thing to say. Watch Episode Eighteen - Farewell, Big Brother. Also, any show where they damn near zero off the human race not once but THREE times, and once by the Earth military commanders themselves... well, that show deserves a chance.

Oh, yeah. Wouldn't Lynn-Minmei be PERFECT for the Lawndale High School Fashion Club?

Miracle Mile. This film about the last hour or so before nuclear war is Last Night.. the Lite version. At least somebody has hope... and the most terrifying moment of the film?

"Put down the phone... and go back to sleep."

A Boy and His Dog. Give it a chance.

Silent Running. Damn. The last shot, of the little robot maintaining the forest dome...

Fallout and its sequel, Fallout II. Oh, to have Mark II Power Armor, a couple of Gauss pistols, plenty of ammo and Stimpacks, as well as a few Super Stimpacks, some Rad-X, Radaway, Psycho, Jet and Mentats? Hello, world after the bomb! You're going to be my bitch!

Take everything I've mentioned, and walk through the Mob bars in Reno, or the Sierra Army Depot...

The Mad Max series of films. They make me smile.

The Ashes series of novels. William W. Johnstone (and his ghost-writers) had a really solid handle on Mankind after the bomb... and the last novel puts a perfect capper to it all. Bonus points for the Night People/Believers.

Resident Evil. The games or the movies... lots and lots of Zombies, and fewer and fewer humans. That asshole redneck S.T.A.R.S. officer with the cowboy hat on the roof DESERVED to get blown up - come on! You're shooting everything else that doesn't look human in the forehead and dropping in where it stands, but Nemesis comes walking around the corner with enough artillery to make Xena's nipples go harder than True Adamantium and you suddenly forgo all that 'head shot' stuff for 'center of body mass'?

Give props, though, for one very funny moment:

Deep Impact. Everyone says it's 'more realistic' than Armageddon, which came out in roughly the same time-frame... BULLSHIT! There was a time when I was thisdamnclose to becoming a reporter, and I can tell you that the reporter does not exist who could possess all of the qualities that Tea Leoni's character of Jenny Lerner had (not to mention the position she rose to) and WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH HER FATHER BY STANDING ON A BEACH AND GETTING HIT BY THE BITCH QUEEN-MOTHER OF ALL TSUNAMIS, rather than (at least) be there with a camera crew doing a live shot as to what's happening on the beach as the wave comes in!

Oh, and don't give me that 'there are some things more important than...(insert your bullshit belief here) line, either. Man is an animal, and if nothing else, will fuck his children, wife, siblings, parents or dearest friends over in order to survive, win or keep anyone else from doing the same! There's a line from the Helen/Quinn duet in the MTV series Daria's musical episode 'Daria!' that really says it all:

Coming in second wouldn't be the worst
As long as no one else was first.

Oh, yeah. I have faith in human nature, which is why I like post-apocalyptic media. It's a refreshingly honest look at humanity. Bitches and bastards who'll do anything to survive.

Thirteen things I'd REALLY like to see in 2008...

2007-12-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

1. Thunderdome instead of the Democratic and Republican conventions - and we make it pay-per-view. Finally, there's something good on TV, its educational ('Mom! What was that thing Huckabee did to Thompson that took him out?' 'Well, son, that was a reverse spin kick, followed up by a spear-hand strike to his throat, which did some severe damage... go get the laptop, and we'll look up it up on Wikipedia...'), and the government finally operates in the black for a few weeks.

2. My toes - when I stand up straight and look down. Just kidding... but who among us couldn't stand to lose weight?

3. More realistic soft-core porn on the late-night cable shows. (Waits for the laughter to die down.) I mean, nobody gets up out of the bed after they've been going at it like two dogs out in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot and reaches for a towel first thing, hits the shower, or rolls the rubber off and tosses it into the wastebasket! EWWWWWWWW! What about the children? Think about the children! These things need to be more realistic!

4. Less - fucking - reality - TV. You know, back when I was little, they had reality TV shows back then, too. They were called DOCUMENTARIES. Maybe the networks could put a few more of them on, so the kids (and maybe some of us adults) could learn more than 'how to form an alliance'.

5. More attractive women of all age groups on the air, of all races and social backgrounds. Hey, we 've all gotta refill the spank-bank somehow, you know!

6. For Chuck Bartowski to break up with Agent Sarah Walker in a realistic fashion; a good hard grudge-fuck, and then, he simply doesn't notice her calls anymore and happens to have made dates with other girls or he's hanging out with best bud Morgan, a twelve of Michelob and a couple of blunts the size of the Space Shuttle's main fuel tank. Dude. Out of your league, and she's going to hurt you real bad. Tap that ass the next chance you get and then break camp - I mean, flush out your headgear, new guy! Agent Casey's got your number! (Geez. Talk about 'the thanks of a grateful nation.' Uncle Sam isn't even giving him a check for services rendered, or cutting him a deal on the 1040 for the year.)A quick dip of Chuck's corn dog in the steamer back at Weinerlicious should be arranged, if you get my drift. It's the least they can do.

7. Less Katie Couric. Sorry, but I want Bob back. I look at Katie and two words come to mind: 'cuddly bedwarmer'. Not to knock your jorrnalistic expertise, but I was one of those twenty-seven persons who wasn't ever watching you on Today and got up for Good Morning America instead - and if I didn't want to catch you back then when your nice legs and cuddly attitude would have been great to wake up to, why do I want to see you now when I want to focus on what Vladmir and Shrubya are up to instead of your nice little rack? It's not that you're a woman - it's that you're softballing CBS into third place.

8. Jumper. I'll watch ANYTHING with Samuel L. Jackson in it (except Jungle Fever and Snakes on a Plane. He reminds me too much of one of my older brothers (during a very bad phase of his life) in the former, and as for the latter... I simply haven't gotten up the nerve yet. That says a lot, because I watched BOTH Amos and Andrew, and National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1! I specifically want to see him look at Hayden Christenson with that little gleam in his eye that says, 'Hey, motherfucker! Remember when you played me like a bitch in Episode III - Revenge of the Sith? Took my hands off because you wanted to hang on to one five-dollar piece of ass when you could have been rolling in a thousand and one flavors of pussy after we took Palpatine off the map and we put your needing a haircut self up on the Council? Bitch, I'm gonna turn you out so many ways that the folks who made Oz is gonna think that that's too much assrape!'

9. For everyone involved in the conception, approval and writing of the hideously insipid 'Jared Banks pretends he's a Buchanan' storyline on One Life To Live to be lined up and bitch-slapped so hard that as they try to regain their senses, they could each swear that they heard someone yelling at them 'Bitch, where's my money?' If you haven't seen the show, you won't understand - and if you have, you probably wish that you could be there at the slapping with a pair of broken-in leather gloves.

10. More of the Reverend Brian Darling (Glenn Fitzgerald) on ABC's guilty pleasure Dirty Sexy Money. I wouldn't mind seeing more of Lisa George (Zoe McLellan), either.

11. More of Alexandra Steele and Liz Claman, in the outfits that they used to wear all of the time. (Trust me. This would be a good thing.)

12. Programs for the kids that, if they have to watch SOMETHING, then this wouldn't be so bad. Remember Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom? WGN's Family Classics with Frasier Thomas? The Disney Sunday Movie? Hell, Jonny Quest rocked, and Land of the Lost wasn't bad, either! (Note to TPTB at Warner Brothers. Bring the Timmverse back. NOW. It was good television.)

13. As little of the 'Bimbo Summit' girls - Britney, Lindsay and Paris - as humanly possible. Also add into that wish all of the family members (oh, and we're going to get our fill of Jaime-Lynn come the summer!), hangers-on and acceptable fill-ins, should any of them regain their dignity and common sense and be unable to fulfill the duties of their position at the Summit. There's other things in the world to cover. (Along those lines, a basket of warm muffins and honey mead for Mika Brzezinski. Would all reporters and news anchors follow her example.)

End of line.

Because I could use some cute and adorable now...

2007-12-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Eleven Months - and One Christmas...

2007-12-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight, in the Spring Grove subdivision in Peoria, Il., a group of people held a praver vigil for an eleven-year-old baby girl who died as a result of injuries she sustained in a fire on Wednesday, December 26. It was about 1:00 am, and the fire - its origins currently unknown - tore through the house in the suburb. Five people made it out, and the baby - little Anariah West - was in her crib as her grandmother sustained severe burns as she made several futile attempts to get through the flames and smoke to get to the child after rescuing another granddaughter.

Two dogs also perished in the fire - one of the dogs was found by the firefighers who rescued the child with its body curled around her. He died trying to protect her. To paraphrase Tom Clancy, 'That dog earned his place in Valhalla, and that's for damned sure.'

The firefighters revived Anariah en route to the hospital; sadly, she passed away soon after.

She had one year. One Independance Day. One Halloween. One Thanksgiving Day, where she probably sat happily in her chair as her family gathered around her.

She had one Christmas. Bright, sparkling lights, a glimmering Christmas tree, toys that made her wide eyes shine with happiness.

I look back at the past year of my life; trust me when I think back and say that - for the most part - it was truly unpleasant. Long story short; it was as if after everything I've done over the past eight years amounted to absolutely nothing, and almost everyone I know has turned their backs on me to let me drift in the wind... as if the last eight years of my life were a big joke that they all enjoyed. While I was doing the things that they couldn't or wouldn't do (and some of them actually came right out and said was my duty to do, and that I should put put my life on hold to do it), once it was over, they all decided in unison, 'Well, since we don't have to worry about that, or those people needing to be taken care of anymore... we really don't need to know you anymore." After a while, if you're not careful, you could start down the road to bitterness... or, at least get more than a bit pissed off.

Then, I look at the fact that this baby had only one year.

Back in college, in the 1980's my favorite comic was a book called Strikeforce; Morituri. The tagline was 'The ultimate power. The ultimate honor. The ultimate sacrifice.' Set in the mid-21st Century, the comic focused on a process to give people superpowers to help fight off an alien invasion of Earth - but with three provisions:

1.) Only a very select few are eligible biologically for the process.

2.) There's no telling what powers will be created by the process.

3.) Within one year of being subjected to the process - you will die.

The premise could be encapsulated in a single phrase: 'If you knew that you were going to die sometime in the next year, how would you live that year out?' Simply go about doing your job, like everyone expects? Act out in ways you'd never consider if you weren't in this position - and if so, they why didn't you do that before? Make every day could for something in a way that means something to you, and to the people around you - the people that matter to you most of all?

If I were to die Monday night - December 31 - I'd feel slightly ashamed. I did a couple of things this year that I can feel proud about, but for the most part, I spent it trying to balance myself on the event horizon of existance... like most of the people out there in the world today.

This baby, though... she spent a lifetime with eyes wide open, soaking in a world that she found larger than life, with every day a Ringquest, every room a New World, and every time her family took her somewhere in their car - it was a trip through the Delta Quadrant. I listened to her family talk about the kid. She gave them purpose, and love, and a new view on the world around them.

For one year, she gave them a reason to smile every morning.

Not a bad epitaph for a tiny little bundle like her. We should all be so lucky, someday.

http://www.week.com/news/local/12848712.html

Let's talk about what makes guys dumb. Momentarily, that is.

2007-12-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

Okay.

Everyone will have their ideas, but I think I can narrow it down to one thing... and to put a very fine point on it, it's the percieved chance to have sex with a very attractive woman (or man, as the case could be). We will do the most outrageous things just for the chance that, after we do this, she'll somehow end up in our bed (or wherever else it may be, just as long as enough flesh is exposed for the sex to be, well, actual sex).

It's not like that even in the movies, folks. No less a distinguished personage than Ian McKellan himself, in his role in X2: X-Men United, spoke The Truth of the Ages when he told a pudgy guard (just as the poor sap's life-force was draining away) 'Never trust a beautiful woman - especially one who's interested in you.'

Guys - listen to the man! Remember last year on Heroes, when perky, wholesome and adorably cute Eden McCain just happened to be a friend to Mohinder Suresh's dad (COME ON! 'Papa Suresh?' Mohinder, your brains are in your ASS!) and just happened to be able to wind herself into Mohinder's affairs? For the love of GOD, already, did you NOT get the picture when she appeared upon your doorstep with those big eyes, that cheerful smile and that dish of baked macaroni and cheese? Dude, she's either trying to get into your pants or into your files, and judging that you (unlike every other actively heterosexual male on the planet would have if put in your position) did NOT try to tap that ass like the Republicans would like to tap ANWAR and that she didn't even ttempt to force the issue (until later), she's obviously a SPY of some sort!

Not to mention that you're not a world-class idiot for NOT jumping into bed with her. Important tip to remember, guys: if you ever find yourself in a feature film or television program and you're faced with the same 'dilemma' - sleep with her.Let her get freaky. Let her do anything she wants to you that she feels will loosen your tongue and get you to spill your secrets to her.

She's going to kill you later, anyway. At least this way, you don't die with an eternal boner and iridescent blue balls that can be seen from orbit - and on the off chance that she's actually a good guy, no harm, no foul.

Long story short, guys - hit it if you can get it. Regret bites, long, hard and deep.

I mean, COME ON! Look at her - anyone that cute in the face and just shows up on your doorstep with a delicious baked entree has GOT to be evil!

Like I said - dumb.

Back on point, though - this is something that women (and other guys) know that they can use to control you, to manipulate you, to play you like Marilyn Manson doing a one-night-only 'grudge-fuck' concert just outside St. Peter's Basilica.

Yes, and we fall for it so, so, so many times... and it very rarely pays off. Carrot and stick, the Lottery, hoping that hot chick will give it up.

It makes us momentarily dumb. We can still do our jobs, work the chores around the house, walk and talk and chew gum at the same time... but the chance of sex makes us dumb.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay... let's talk about PORN!

2007-12-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

In the interest of keeping my somewhat ample rump off the proverbial fire (to paraphrase the great Dom Deluise, roasting my butt would take a YEAR!), I pulled the shot of Carrie Jean Yazel off the blog. Someone considered it PORN!

Okay. Let's talk about Porn. Or Erotica.

Now, setting aside that lauded judge's opinion that he couldn't define porn, but he knew it when he saw it, I hestate to disagree, but I believe that one CAN differentiate between pornography and erotica. The former is the use of words and/or imagery for the singular and explicit purpose of eliciting a state of sexual arousal within the person perusing the material in question. Pornography seeks to bypass our higher selves and appeal - no, unleash our innate animal sexual nature; yes, Virginia - there is a animal looking back at you from that mirror every morning, and trust me when I agree with Eddie Murphy (from his 1987 concert film Raw) when he said that there isn't a single woman out there who wouldn't rather be off somewhere having really good sex (so to speak). There's a part of every single one of us that lurks just at the edge of our perpherial vision, just on the terminator between our logical selves and that blackness in Zone Four or our mentality (for those of you who know about the Johari Window... that's where the animal that wants to mate (and continuously, given the chance) waits. It's that part of us that watches the way that young woman with the 34C cup moves as she yawns and stretches herself in the office, or takes a second, hesitant look at the guy who wears those jeans so incredibly well... it's a part of us. Our animal nature, the part that education, religion (or spirituality, as some may refer to it), the education of our family, peers and community and yes, the fear of legal sanctions places under control.

That's what pornorgraphy, in my opinion, seeks to unleash. For a moment, I hasten to add... and really, is that such a bad thing? Is that momentary fantasy, that touch of objectification for a brief instant, is that really such a horrible thing? Why is it that we shouldn't look? Why is it that we shouldn't stop and say, 'I wonder what it would be like with that person?'

Now, don't get me wrong - if you have a specific reasoning or belief system, then by all means, don't look. I understand that, and I accept that.

But that doesn't mean that you have the right to tell other people that they can't look, either. I remember something that I started saying back in the 1980's that applies here: 'My rights end at your nose - and vice-versa.'

I won't go off into the 'porn incites crime or the hideous sexual proclivities of some people' arguement here, either. I'm talking about the average, baseline-normal person here, the guy (or girl) that occasionally, with a mischievious little glint in his or her eye, lets that finger stray across the remote control and somehow (Oh, my! How did that get onto theTV?), they're watching The Best Sex Ever or Women: Stories of Passion.

Just for a moment. Okay... to see just how well Dru Berrymore or Kira Reed can fabricate what they believe the viewers will consider an orgasm to be.

Then, we'll turn the channel back to that repeat of The O'Reilly Factor or Power Rangers: Dino Thunder.

That's what Porn is for.

Then, there's Erotica. By my understanding (of course, your opinion may vary), Erotica is the undertaking of creating and presenting materials of higher quality and artistic merit which also (and unapologetically so) seek to showcase the human form and condition of human sexuality NOT to specifically arouse sexual desire, but to present a portrait of that desire for the viewers of said material. Let's be candid here, folks - in the 19th Century (or was it the 18th?), in England, the custom was to cover the legs of tables within one's house, under the assumption that seeing the bare legs of said taable would incite sexual arousal in persons viewing it.

Well. Maybe it's just me, but if simply seeing a barren table leg would make me want to have sex, trust me when I say that ANYTHING I see would make me want to have sex. Remember that hilarious episode of Night Court where John Larouquette's character had to abstain from sex for two weeks - and then, found out that there was a lab mistake which meant that he didn't need to do so? I believe Judge Harry said it best: "Better safe than sorry, guys!"

Maybe it's just me - but we're putting far too much thought into this whole thing. If you like that stuff, fine. You'll find it, one way or another, and as long as you keep it to yourself, don't expose it to the kids and don't get crazed about it all - have fun. If you don't like that stuff - don't have it in your home, don't support the establishments WHICH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ACTUALLY SUPPORT WITH YOUR BUYING DOLLARS that carry it, and have logical, sound arguements that you can bring forth against it when doing so - because win or lose, people will respect you and your position if you can argue it in a calm, reasoned, sensible manner. In our culture, those are the people who get listened to, rather than the ones who rant from a kneejerk position, spout dogma and propaganda at the top of their voices that they can't support with reasoned discussion, and basically carry the standard of 'If you don't believe as we do, you're WRONG!'.

Well, that's my baby rant for the day. Do whatever makes you happy - and just remember to allow the guy or girl next to you to have that same priviledge.

End of line.

Bloggers should be bitch-slapped...

2007-12-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

... especially if they're the type that are just oh, so bad-assed, so ready to toss off derisive, mean-spirited comments and talk mondo major BS when they're on-line... but you KNOW that, in real-life, they're quixotic cogs in the machine who wish that they were a fraction as hard-edged and dynamic as they are online.

Look, there's snark, and there's being a dick. If you want to be a dick, nobody's going to stop you... but pray that the people you dog out never meet you in real life. I still remember this bitch from my college years, who (just to be a bitch) got my funding for a film pulled THE NIGHT THEY CUT THE CHECK... just for the fun of it. Just to be a bitch.

The last time I saw her was May of 1987, and I told her bluntly, 'Don't ever forget me - because I won't ever forget you.' I haven't forgotten you either, L.B. Not at all... and I believe in honoring my promises. It's a moral imperative.

Just saying, folks - if you want to be a weapons-grade btich or a rampaging ass online because that's the way you Walter Mitty yourself through life, well, blowback's a bitch.

Man, now I want a turkey leftover sandwich with cheese, salad dressing, a big leaf of lettuce and just a bit of dressing inside - just enough to flavor the sandwich, but not enough to count as an actual labor. Thing is, I didn't bake a turkey for Christmas, so no leftovers.

I'm here to tell you, folks - this side of the aspiring writer/starving artist/shiftless bum gig sucks. I really need to con somebody into baking a turkey breast for me, and making a bowl of dressing, too, along with some gravy and maybe some corn and some dinner rolls with dabs of butter smeared on the top before they go into the oven, so the flavor bakes in...

2007. For the most part, this year sucked. At least I get to watch some jerks get bitch-slapped for being jerks on some of the boards I check out.

Biscuits and Gravy...

2007-12-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

Ah... biscuits and gravy. A wonderfully fond memory from my time at SIU-Carbondale (a moment of silence for Hot Stacks, a wonderful little diner on The Strip in Carbondale.)

I'm a fan of the show Daria (formerly broadcast on MTV), and as such, I'm active in the Daria fandom. Anyway, one of the fans from Argentina had mentioned that she'd never heard of 'biscuits and gravy', and wondered whysomeone would want to do that (put gravy on biscuits) let alone eat it from breakfast.

The wonders of language. What I meant by 'biscuits', she undestood as 'cookies'. Anyway, I hijacked the Wikipedia entry for biscuits and gravy (along with this gret photo of the dish in question) and posted it over on the Paperpusher's Message Board (or PPMB), the main Daria fandom site. That started upa little thread about breakfast foods...

Yeah, boring... but very tasty.

Still slightly sick, so here's something to cheer me up...

2007-12-27T00:42:00.000-08:00

Blast from the Past: Lynn Russell of CNN

2007-12-26T22:55:00.000-08:00

Words do not do her justice.

Edwards, or the Republicans get the White House again...

2007-12-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

Personally, I believe that the Republicans are going to win the White house again in 2008. Why?

Two reasons:

(1.) The Republicans may not know how to govern, but they sure as hell know how to win. How's that? Do whatever the eff it takes to get the voters out and either voting for who you want, for whomever you want to run against (for whatever reason) or for the people you know don't have a snowball's chance of bearing you.

(2.) Because the individual Democrats all want to lead the party and be the big hero (they'll never say it that way) instead of joining together to pick a solid player who can win, regardless of how much the others (regardless of who he - or she- is) want to be the person out in front.

Let's be honest - if the Democrats don't run Edwards as their front man, they're vapor come Election Day.

Hillary cannot win. Let's face this as a fact, people. She may win the nomination, but there's no way in hell that the American people will vote for her. They'll vote for a woman President - oh, of that I have no doubt, and I believe I'll be alive to see it - but they won't vote for Hillary Clinton to be that woman. People have long memories, and they vote their pocketbooks... not to mention 'they vote for payback'.

Obama cannot win. It's not that he's Black - I firmly believe that had Colin Powell chosen to run back in 1996, he'd have dusted Clinton - it's just that he's Black and not a Republican hardass. People saw Powell and saw a guy who'd kick some ass, have a drink, clean his weapon and then take his wife to bed. Obama... well, he's a touch softer, and having all of the college kids and Oprah cheering him on doesn't help at all, either. Can you say 'splitting the vote', people? Also, they're all there now, but college kids are notorious for NOT VOTING, and as for African-American voters... as a former election judge for a city in Illinois, let's just say that the voting record of Blacks does not impress me. That's a shame, because I remember the 1997 city election in Peoria, Illinois. Only 11% of the registered voters bothered to show up at the polling place (doesn't that sound like a kinky name for a brothel, or a fraternity house?) on Election Day; if the Black populace had gotten mobilized and out to the polls with serious numbers, they could have controlled everything... as Michael Ironside said in Starship Troopers, when you vote, you are exercising political power. You are using force - and political force is the coin of the realm in modern America.

Back on the subject. Don't be fooled by the throngs of college kids or the tens of thousands at Oprah rallies... they'll dissapear on Election Day...

...which is why, if we don't get the time-tested, battle-hardened and 'Hey - you know, in that 2004 Vice-Presidential debate, didn't he actually LOOK Presidential?' Edwards as the front man on the Democratic ticket, then we'll see Shrubya pass the car and housekeys to whatever Republican comes in on his coattails.

Whomever it may be. I really don't think that matters.

Yes, I am a Daria fan!

2007-12-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

It's been five years, and TPTB still haven't committed to a full release of all five seasons of Daria - easily one of the best things MTV has EVER done - to DVD.

No, they'd rather let the world see the idiots 'start being real...'

Note to self: There's several reasons why MTV seems as idiotic as a fart-lighting contest aboard a Soyuz capsule during re-entry. Not getting their heads out of their butts and getting Daria on the shelves is one of them. (Yes, there may be music issues... clear them up already! I guess we can give them some leeway, though - look how long it took to get Heavy Metal into the stores...)

A photo of Noa Tishby- because it's the right thing to do...

2007-12-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

Noa Tishby. You probably haven't seen her in much. The first time I saw her was in an episode of Charmed. Damn. Evil usually doesn't EVER look that good...

Why CAN'T we just bitch-slap them...?

2007-12-26T03:22:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep, so, I'm up at 5:00 and there's nothing really on right now (besides, it feels like I might drop off soon) so I put The Daily Buzz on.

Okay. Been watching it from the beginning.

Andrea Jackson. Fun, easy on the eyes, actually sounds like she has a clue as to what she's talking about and has a decent little airframe. (Note to Ms. Jackson - whoever told you to go out and get the gray sweater dress... give that person a raise.) Makes watching the show worthwhile.

Kia Malone. Ease up a touch on the flava, and the same as above applies. Love to see her do some location segments, where she'd get to wear some really interesting outfits.

Andy Campbell. When he grows up and gets out of that 'I'm the new kid' appearance he seems to have hard-bolted onto himself, he'll be a newsman. Stop trying so hard to be funny - you're funniest when you just state the obvious and hit with that 'Do you believe folks are this effing dumb?' look...

And then... there's Mitch English.

You know, there's some people that you really want to like... until they open their mouths on serious subjects? That's Mitch. Love Mitch's World, he's not bad with the weather - but when the 'happy talk' starts up and they banter about, sooner or later Mitch starts to open his mouth, I reach for my mute button and wish to God above that the sadists in Master Control would tell the cameraman on Andrea to pull the camera on her back just about three inches... my apologies, Miss Jackson. The Y Chromosome makes me a fool on occasion.

Back to Mitch. When he's not being serious, I can watch. Let personal opinions on serious matters arise, and I think to myself, why can't I just bitch-slap him? Then it would be a wonderful world...

Meanwhile, I'll dream of the day when someone at TDB loses his or her mind completely and manages to talk them into doing a video tribute to the film Undercover Brother by having Andrea and Kia doing a recreation of the Denuse Richards/Aunjanue Ellis catfight from the film.

Sigh. Oh, well. That's what dreams are for.

At least it stops me from thinking about Mitch being serious.

Box this, bitch...

2007-12-26T03:08:00.000-08:00

To quote Ambassador Kosh from the late, great science fiction program Babylon 5 - 'And so, it begins...'

This is the first post of my new blog. Why am I doing it? Because all of these other people are, so hell - looks like it might be a cool dive off that cliff after all of the other lemmings... and all I ask is that I don't go face-first into another lemming's a-hole like one of those Tomahawk missiles through an Iraqi general's kitchen window, or that when I hit the bottom, the last thing I experience WON'T be some other dumb-ass lemming giving me a long, hard slab of dumb-ass lemming dick through the rear egress portal as my reward for being dumb enough for jumping off in the first place.

I'll be bitching about things that catch my attention, and every now and then, asking why some things just aren't better- or worse - for people who actually deserve them. I'll let you know how I feel about this and that. Why? Because it's just a relief to get the crap off my chest and out of my head.

Let the molasses-in-Ontario-in January-slow downward spiral towards the event horizon begin.