This one's for you, TAG, for all of the Daria-related things you've done.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Time to be a'pissin' off the wimmenfolks and the Democrats...
Let's start by thinking of all the cheap pickup lines you chicks have ever had directed at you, used in your presence, and (to really tick you gals off) the ones you wish that particular guy (or girl, because things have changed) would have directed at YOU rather than someone else, because you'd have jumped for it the way those hungry fish in your fishtank at home jump when you feed them after forgetting to for a day or so. (It happens.)
Now, think of the way guys and other women look at you when you wear (a.) something really nice, or (b.) wear something you chose with the specific intent of reminding one certain guy or EVERY GUY IN SIGHT that yes, you ARE a woman. (Okay. If you're doing it for the latter, this post doesn't apply. Scratch that one off... and by the way, more power to you, milady. The Id of every man who crosses your path thanks you.) Yes, each and every one of those straight guys wants nothing more than to use you like he's King Leonidas and you're Xerxes' pride. (Sorry. '300' came on cable last month - finally got a chance to see it. The Daria fans in the midst will understand when I say, 'Mmmmmm. Oracle girls. The Priestesses at DELPHI are hopefully that... limber.')
The ladies who see you dressed like that? Back when I was in college, I remember noticing the phomenoma I coined 'the Cone of Silence.' Watch when a VERY beautiful woman goes past or through a moderately-sized crowd: you'll immediately notice a defined 'cone of silence that seems to radiate out and behind her, followed immediately by a second field of sound. The first wave is that of the guys struck momentarily by their hormones drawing power off from all other systems, and the other women seeing an immedite threat arrive in the vicinity. ('Territoriality, thy name is woman.' ) Then, the wave of sound begins... the sound of the women cutting her down.
Don't believe me? Go to a college campus (or in the general vicinity) on a weekend and find out for yourself.
But I digress. Ladies - go back over all of this and if that hasn't annoyed you enough, then let be get out the 'coach gun' - the double-barreled slam that assures a 98% probability of ticking ANY woman off.
1.) No, he (you KNOW who I'm talking about) does NOT want to spend time with you, take a walk with you, come over to your place, or see you naked... because he's just not into you.
2.) You ARE just like a sister to him. End of story. Life goes on.
Now that the lasses are suitably ticked off, it's time for the Dems to get theirs.
Four words.
Rush Limbaugh was right.
Now, what do these two things have to do with one another? Well, in the traditional convoluted, ice-slickened and fog-filled road I usually lay out through the mountainside to get to the point, I also toss in March of next year -2009. That's the first full month the U.S. will stop broadcasting analog TV signals and EVERYBODY has to go digital.
Well, there are going to be a LOT of pissed-off people out there, once we get forced to 'experience the wonder and the quality of high-definition digital TV. Reason? Because even the most physically perfect and attractive among us will be subject to greater scrutiny in the new age of television... and because makeup can only do so much.
A few years back, a woman named Marny Steiner filed a court case against The Weather Channel on the basis of age discrimination, claiming that she was given the bum's rush because she was in her forties and they wanted to get rid of her in order to increase the ratings by putting more attractive women on the screen. Rush did a broadcast where he basically said 'So? They're right!'
Hate to agree with old Rush (did he get that name for the way he feels after gobbling down some of those ill-gotten drugs? You decide!) but let's be honest - the name of the game is RATINGS. (How else can you describe 'When Weather Changed History'? GOD! Memo to The Weather Channel! You want ratings? FINE! Here's how you do it! One - Get a couple of meterologists with gravitas and put them on the air. Two - Stop trying to be the Discovery Channel - with the exception of 'Storm Stories', your programming SUCKS! Three - GET RID OF JIM CANTORE! He's a walking punchline! Four - Hire back Hillary Andrews! yes, she was kind of ditzy and she dissed Cantore, but we watched her because (a.) we had NO FRAKKIN' IDEA what she would do next (see 'Howard Stern' in the 'How to keep them tuned in' manual) and (b.) lots of people thought that she was attractive. THIS is a point you should keep in mind. It'll be important later, and it WILL be on the final. Five - SHUT THE FRAK UP about how the female meterologists dress on-air! If Alexandra Steele wants to wear sheer blouses and thin sweaters, and it appears as if the tempature in the studio is -39 degrees every time she's on screen... this means us guys are watching. We like pretty girls. (Again, refer to the Hillary Andrews point if reference to Alexandra.) SIX. FOCUS ON THE WEATHER - don't try to make it exciting - unless it's very bad weather, the very subject isn't exciting... and then, it's all too exciting.
A happy day for me? If The Weathe Channel filched the tagline of Fox News - and then followed the spirit of it.
'We Report - You Decide.'
Again - back on subject. When you watch The Weather Channel, you NOW watch for 'Weather on the 8's' and the occasional cute weatherperson (Note to Eboni Deon. Slap your hairstylist and go find another one. Please. Hurry.) . By its very definition, that means you're paying attention to the looks. That's okay, if you're honest about it.
That's the problem with all of this - what ties it all together, and why trouble lies ahead.
Television, by its very nature, is about presenting the very best visual images in order to draw our attention. (Yes, really. If you're all about 'deeper meaning' and 'character development' - read a book. Not that television doesn't have the capacity to have this, or that it doesn't happen - but BELIEVE ME when I say that it's a secondary concern.) There's a reason why the terms 'Hollywood Homely' and 'Hollywood nerd' exist - because the grand majority of us COULD NOT be on a television program - or only as secondary characters, in recurring roles or as Bad Guys. Yes. Really. This is true. Hey - I KNOW that I'm ugly enough to scare starving pit bulls off the back of a meat truck. I actually scared the hell out of two stray dogs late one night, when I was returning from doing laundry. Long story.
Anyway. Digital TV is REALLY going to raise havoc in the entertainment and news industries, as only the VERY attractive will be immune to the equally humanizing effect that high-def will have on the on-air talent: it shows off every physical flaw.
So now, ladies - you're going to have to fall back on what we guys have had to deal with since time began: the world of self-delusion. Just kidding.
You get it worse. You won't even have the fantaasy of believing that, as a TV star, you're somehow MORE than other women, better, prettier, more alluring. High-Def will take that away - amd make you all that you are now, because as I mentioned earlier - makeup can only do so much.
Now, think that over for a minute.
Remember I said earlier that a good idea was to hire back Hillary Andrews and let Alexandra Steele wear what she wants, because (in a nutshell) people think they're attractive?
That's the rub, folks. If we think you're attractive, regardless of what High-def does or is capable of exposing, we'll still watch. If we like you because of what you do on screen, we'll watch. If you've made yourself someone who we enjoy on the air - we'll watch, regardless of what you look like or how High-Def reveals your flaws.
And, to you ladies in the real world - the same thing applies. If you're someone who we want to have in our lives, we will make an effort to keep you there, regardless of what you look like.
Here endeth the rant.
Now, think of the way guys and other women look at you when you wear (a.) something really nice, or (b.) wear something you chose with the specific intent of reminding one certain guy or EVERY GUY IN SIGHT that yes, you ARE a woman. (Okay. If you're doing it for the latter, this post doesn't apply. Scratch that one off... and by the way, more power to you, milady. The Id of every man who crosses your path thanks you.) Yes, each and every one of those straight guys wants nothing more than to use you like he's King Leonidas and you're Xerxes' pride. (Sorry. '300' came on cable last month - finally got a chance to see it. The Daria fans in the midst will understand when I say, 'Mmmmmm. Oracle girls. The Priestesses at DELPHI are hopefully that... limber.')
The ladies who see you dressed like that? Back when I was in college, I remember noticing the phomenoma I coined 'the Cone of Silence.' Watch when a VERY beautiful woman goes past or through a moderately-sized crowd: you'll immediately notice a defined 'cone of silence that seems to radiate out and behind her, followed immediately by a second field of sound. The first wave is that of the guys struck momentarily by their hormones drawing power off from all other systems, and the other women seeing an immedite threat arrive in the vicinity. ('Territoriality, thy name is woman.' ) Then, the wave of sound begins... the sound of the women cutting her down.
Don't believe me? Go to a college campus (or in the general vicinity) on a weekend and find out for yourself.
But I digress. Ladies - go back over all of this and if that hasn't annoyed you enough, then let be get out the 'coach gun' - the double-barreled slam that assures a 98% probability of ticking ANY woman off.
1.) No, he (you KNOW who I'm talking about) does NOT want to spend time with you, take a walk with you, come over to your place, or see you naked... because he's just not into you.
2.) You ARE just like a sister to him. End of story. Life goes on.
Now that the lasses are suitably ticked off, it's time for the Dems to get theirs.
Four words.
Rush Limbaugh was right.
Now, what do these two things have to do with one another? Well, in the traditional convoluted, ice-slickened and fog-filled road I usually lay out through the mountainside to get to the point, I also toss in March of next year -2009. That's the first full month the U.S. will stop broadcasting analog TV signals and EVERYBODY has to go digital.
Well, there are going to be a LOT of pissed-off people out there, once we get forced to 'experience the wonder and the quality of high-definition digital TV. Reason? Because even the most physically perfect and attractive among us will be subject to greater scrutiny in the new age of television... and because makeup can only do so much.
A few years back, a woman named Marny Steiner filed a court case against The Weather Channel on the basis of age discrimination, claiming that she was given the bum's rush because she was in her forties and they wanted to get rid of her in order to increase the ratings by putting more attractive women on the screen. Rush did a broadcast where he basically said 'So? They're right!'
Hate to agree with old Rush (did he get that name for the way he feels after gobbling down some of those ill-gotten drugs? You decide!) but let's be honest - the name of the game is RATINGS. (How else can you describe 'When Weather Changed History'? GOD! Memo to The Weather Channel! You want ratings? FINE! Here's how you do it! One - Get a couple of meterologists with gravitas and put them on the air. Two - Stop trying to be the Discovery Channel - with the exception of 'Storm Stories', your programming SUCKS! Three - GET RID OF JIM CANTORE! He's a walking punchline! Four - Hire back Hillary Andrews! yes, she was kind of ditzy and she dissed Cantore, but we watched her because (a.) we had NO FRAKKIN' IDEA what she would do next (see 'Howard Stern' in the 'How to keep them tuned in' manual) and (b.) lots of people thought that she was attractive. THIS is a point you should keep in mind. It'll be important later, and it WILL be on the final. Five - SHUT THE FRAK UP about how the female meterologists dress on-air! If Alexandra Steele wants to wear sheer blouses and thin sweaters, and it appears as if the tempature in the studio is -39 degrees every time she's on screen... this means us guys are watching. We like pretty girls. (Again, refer to the Hillary Andrews point if reference to Alexandra.) SIX. FOCUS ON THE WEATHER - don't try to make it exciting - unless it's very bad weather, the very subject isn't exciting... and then, it's all too exciting.
A happy day for me? If The Weathe Channel filched the tagline of Fox News - and then followed the spirit of it.
'We Report - You Decide.'
Again - back on subject. When you watch The Weather Channel, you NOW watch for 'Weather on the 8's' and the occasional cute weatherperson (Note to Eboni Deon. Slap your hairstylist and go find another one. Please. Hurry.) . By its very definition, that means you're paying attention to the looks. That's okay, if you're honest about it.
That's the problem with all of this - what ties it all together, and why trouble lies ahead.
Television, by its very nature, is about presenting the very best visual images in order to draw our attention. (Yes, really. If you're all about 'deeper meaning' and 'character development' - read a book. Not that television doesn't have the capacity to have this, or that it doesn't happen - but BELIEVE ME when I say that it's a secondary concern.) There's a reason why the terms 'Hollywood Homely' and 'Hollywood nerd' exist - because the grand majority of us COULD NOT be on a television program - or only as secondary characters, in recurring roles or as Bad Guys. Yes. Really. This is true. Hey - I KNOW that I'm ugly enough to scare starving pit bulls off the back of a meat truck. I actually scared the hell out of two stray dogs late one night, when I was returning from doing laundry. Long story.
Anyway. Digital TV is REALLY going to raise havoc in the entertainment and news industries, as only the VERY attractive will be immune to the equally humanizing effect that high-def will have on the on-air talent: it shows off every physical flaw.
So now, ladies - you're going to have to fall back on what we guys have had to deal with since time began: the world of self-delusion. Just kidding.
You get it worse. You won't even have the fantaasy of believing that, as a TV star, you're somehow MORE than other women, better, prettier, more alluring. High-Def will take that away - amd make you all that you are now, because as I mentioned earlier - makeup can only do so much.
Now, think that over for a minute.
Remember I said earlier that a good idea was to hire back Hillary Andrews and let Alexandra Steele wear what she wants, because (in a nutshell) people think they're attractive?
That's the rub, folks. If we think you're attractive, regardless of what High-def does or is capable of exposing, we'll still watch. If we like you because of what you do on screen, we'll watch. If you've made yourself someone who we enjoy on the air - we'll watch, regardless of what you look like or how High-Def reveals your flaws.
And, to you ladies in the real world - the same thing applies. If you're someone who we want to have in our lives, we will make an effort to keep you there, regardless of what you look like.
Here endeth the rant.
Monday, March 24, 2008
"We don't say 'die',we say 'KILL!'"
Haven't felt too snarky lately. More like snarly, or snarling, or just tearing off limbs of others.
Feeling like inserting bullets manually in a host of people, rather than shooting them. Let's see:
- New York politicians involved in sex scandals. No, really? Guys in power getting a little extra tail on the side - who would have expected it? What's the world coming to? Personally, if I was all about getting some action all over the place as a politician, I'd join the Republican Party. Three words:
Female. College. Republicans.
Oh, yeah! Hot, intelligent, and 'dedicated to the cause'. Remember that horrid little ditty from Grease 2 - 'Let's Do It For Our Country?' Ooooooh... gotta love those young ladies who are prepared to give that last full measure of devotion for their Republican leaders. Say it with me people - Democrats like Obama have the charm, but Republicans boff their cute intern over the couch arm.
- The bloodsport we call the Democratic primary. As far as I'm concerned, way to go, folks. Either way, you've got McCain and his crew sipping bubbly and checking out the oh-so-nice curves on that cute little senior with the butter-blonde hair cut fashionably short, who hails from Oberlin College and who's taken a year off school (of course, Daddy and Mumsie are paying her way) so she could volunteer to work in the McCain campaign, even during the dark days of Summer 2007, because she knows that 'it's for the good of the country.'
They can afford to. Obama and Clinton have savaged each other with enough ammo that all McCain has to do is pick up their spent cartridges, handload them, and shoot the 'winner' from Denver with them again. (I'm here to tell you that that 'It's 3 a.m.' commercial is going to come back to haunt the Democratic candidate, I kid you not.)
- Why lie? I can't stand lawyers. Roberh Heinlien said it best in Friday, when he remarked that there are only two types of lawyers - those who meke life easier for others, and parasites. I've mainly dealt with the latter, thank you for asking. Tell me - becoming a lawyer. Becoming a vampire in the Buffyverse. What's the difference? Both involve arcane rituals, existing off the suffering of the commom man, and being given power when a demon is placed inside your body and your soul is destroyed.
Yes. NOW you can say that I'm REALLY pissed off about something - at least, God willing, I'll have the pleasure of reading about the sumbitch lawyers who've been the focal points of my past decade's misery as they burn in the real world. I'm tired of hearing about 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord,' and 'They'll get theirs in the end.' Unless I get to have their 'getting it in the end' involve the laundry-room floor of a prison, inmates who haven't had consensual sex with the opposite sex for decades and various implements suited for insertion sans industrial lubrication - I'd enjoy some reciprocity in the here and now, please.
And pass me the popcorn and the berry tea. I've developed a taste for it, recently.
- Pancake puffs. Do those pans really work? It looks damned interesting- but that's what advertising does. Man, those pizza puffs, cake puffs and blueberry muffin puffs look good...
Gonna stop now. Sleepy. Love to be tucked into bed by a female College Republican after a cup of hot berry tea and a couple of muffin puffs.
That's gotta wait until my next life.
Feeling like inserting bullets manually in a host of people, rather than shooting them. Let's see:
- New York politicians involved in sex scandals. No, really? Guys in power getting a little extra tail on the side - who would have expected it? What's the world coming to? Personally, if I was all about getting some action all over the place as a politician, I'd join the Republican Party. Three words:
Female. College. Republicans.
Oh, yeah! Hot, intelligent, and 'dedicated to the cause'. Remember that horrid little ditty from Grease 2 - 'Let's Do It For Our Country?' Ooooooh... gotta love those young ladies who are prepared to give that last full measure of devotion for their Republican leaders. Say it with me people - Democrats like Obama have the charm, but Republicans boff their cute intern over the couch arm.
- The bloodsport we call the Democratic primary. As far as I'm concerned, way to go, folks. Either way, you've got McCain and his crew sipping bubbly and checking out the oh-so-nice curves on that cute little senior with the butter-blonde hair cut fashionably short, who hails from Oberlin College and who's taken a year off school (of course, Daddy and Mumsie are paying her way) so she could volunteer to work in the McCain campaign, even during the dark days of Summer 2007, because she knows that 'it's for the good of the country.'
They can afford to. Obama and Clinton have savaged each other with enough ammo that all McCain has to do is pick up their spent cartridges, handload them, and shoot the 'winner' from Denver with them again. (I'm here to tell you that that 'It's 3 a.m.' commercial is going to come back to haunt the Democratic candidate, I kid you not.)
- Why lie? I can't stand lawyers. Roberh Heinlien said it best in Friday, when he remarked that there are only two types of lawyers - those who meke life easier for others, and parasites. I've mainly dealt with the latter, thank you for asking. Tell me - becoming a lawyer. Becoming a vampire in the Buffyverse. What's the difference? Both involve arcane rituals, existing off the suffering of the commom man, and being given power when a demon is placed inside your body and your soul is destroyed.
Yes. NOW you can say that I'm REALLY pissed off about something - at least, God willing, I'll have the pleasure of reading about the sumbitch lawyers who've been the focal points of my past decade's misery as they burn in the real world. I'm tired of hearing about 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord,' and 'They'll get theirs in the end.' Unless I get to have their 'getting it in the end' involve the laundry-room floor of a prison, inmates who haven't had consensual sex with the opposite sex for decades and various implements suited for insertion sans industrial lubrication - I'd enjoy some reciprocity in the here and now, please.
And pass me the popcorn and the berry tea. I've developed a taste for it, recently.
- Pancake puffs. Do those pans really work? It looks damned interesting- but that's what advertising does. Man, those pizza puffs, cake puffs and blueberry muffin puffs look good...
Gonna stop now. Sleepy. Love to be tucked into bed by a female College Republican after a cup of hot berry tea and a couple of muffin puffs.
That's gotta wait until my next life.
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