Monday, March 24, 2008

"We don't say 'die',we say 'KILL!'"

Haven't felt too snarky lately. More like snarly, or snarling, or just tearing off limbs of others.

Feeling like inserting bullets manually in a host of people, rather than shooting them. Let's see:


- New York politicians involved in sex scandals. No, really? Guys in power getting a little extra tail on the side - who would have expected it? What's the world coming to? Personally, if I was all about getting some action all over the place as a politician, I'd join the Republican Party. Three words:

Female. College. Republicans.

Oh, yeah! Hot, intelligent, and 'dedicated to the cause'. Remember that horrid little ditty from Grease 2 - 'Let's Do It For Our Country?' Ooooooh... gotta love those young ladies who are prepared to give that last full measure of devotion for their Republican leaders. Say it with me people - Democrats like Obama have the charm, but Republicans boff their cute intern over the couch arm.

- The bloodsport we call the Democratic primary. As far as I'm concerned, way to go, folks. Either way, you've got McCain and his crew sipping bubbly and checking out the oh-so-nice curves on that cute little senior with the butter-blonde hair cut fashionably short, who hails from Oberlin College and who's taken a year off school (of course, Daddy and Mumsie are paying her way) so she could volunteer to work in the McCain campaign, even during the dark days of Summer 2007, because she knows that 'it's for the good of the country.'

They can afford to. Obama and Clinton have savaged each other with enough ammo that all McCain has to do is pick up their spent cartridges, handload them, and shoot the 'winner' from Denver with them again. (I'm here to tell you that that 'It's 3 a.m.' commercial is going to come back to haunt the Democratic candidate, I kid you not.)


- Why lie? I can't stand lawyers. Roberh Heinlien said it best in Friday, when he remarked that there are only two types of lawyers - those who meke life easier for others, and parasites. I've mainly dealt with the latter, thank you for asking. Tell me - becoming a lawyer. Becoming a vampire in the Buffyverse. What's the difference? Both involve arcane rituals, existing off the suffering of the commom man, and being given power when a demon is placed inside your body and your soul is destroyed.

Yes. NOW you can say that I'm REALLY pissed off about something - at least, God willing, I'll have the pleasure of reading about the sumbitch lawyers who've been the focal points of my past decade's misery as they burn in the real world. I'm tired of hearing about 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord,' and 'They'll get theirs in the end.' Unless I get to have their 'getting it in the end' involve the laundry-room floor of a prison, inmates who haven't had consensual sex with the opposite sex for decades and various implements suited for insertion sans industrial lubrication - I'd enjoy some reciprocity in the here and now, please.

And pass me the popcorn and the berry tea. I've developed a taste for it, recently.


- Pancake puffs. Do those pans really work? It looks damned interesting- but that's what advertising does. Man, those pizza puffs, cake puffs and blueberry muffin puffs look good...


Gonna stop now. Sleepy. Love to be tucked into bed by a female College Republican after a cup of hot berry tea and a couple of muffin puffs.

That's gotta wait until my next life.

3 comments:

James said...

What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his head in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a bottom dwelling waste eater. The other's a strange-looking fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a dead possum?
The skid marks are in front of the possum.

What's the ideal weight for a lawyer?
Three pounds, if you count the urn.

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny; no one else thinks they're jokes.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The lawyer screws you.

A lawyer died penniless and his colleagues chipped in for the funeral. One asked the secretary for $10. She said, "Ten dollars? Here's a twenty; bury two of them."

What's a difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What do you get when you run an "honest lawyer" contest?
No winners.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

Scissors MacGillicutty said...

What do you call ten thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

E. A. Smith said...

It's nice to see you back; I was wondering where you'd been. I love reading your rants, even when I don't agree with them. (Though I'm also sick to death of the neverending contest for the Democratic nomination, and wish they'd just pick someone already and be done with it. Maybe that's because I'm not planning on voting for either one, though -- hell, I'm not planning on voting for any of the three of them.)