1. Thunderdome instead of the Democratic and Republican conventions - and we make it pay-per-view. Finally, there's something good on TV, its educational ('Mom! What was that thing Huckabee did to Thompson that took him out?' 'Well, son, that was a reverse spin kick, followed up by a spear-hand strike to his throat, which did some severe damage... go get the laptop, and we'll look up it up on Wikipedia...'), and the government finally operates in the black for a few weeks.
2. My toes - when I stand up straight and look down. Just kidding... but who among us couldn't stand to lose weight?
3. More realistic soft-core porn on the late-night cable shows. (Waits for the laughter to die down.) I mean, nobody gets up out of the bed after they've been going at it like two dogs out in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot and reaches for a towel first thing, hits the shower, or rolls the rubber off and tosses it into the wastebasket! EWWWWWWWW! What about the children? Think about the children! These things need to be more realistic!
4. Less - fucking - reality - TV. You know, back when I was little, they had reality TV shows back then, too. They were called DOCUMENTARIES. Maybe the networks could put a few more of them on, so the kids (and maybe some of us adults) could learn more than 'how to form an alliance'.
5. More attractive women of all age groups on the air, of all races and social backgrounds. Hey, we 've all gotta refill the spank-bank somehow, you know!
6. For Chuck Bartowski to break up with Agent Sarah Walker in a realistic fashion; a good hard grudge-fuck, and then, he simply doesn't notice her calls anymore and happens to have made dates with other girls or he's hanging out with best bud Morgan, a twelve of Michelob and a couple of blunts the size of the Space Shuttle's main fuel tank. Dude. Out of your league, and she's going to hurt you real bad. Tap that ass the next chance you get and then break camp - I mean, flush out your headgear, new guy! Agent Casey's got your number! (Geez. Talk about 'the thanks of a grateful nation.' Uncle Sam isn't even giving him a check for services rendered, or cutting him a deal on the 1040 for the year.)A quick dip of Chuck's corn dog in the steamer back at Weinerlicious should be arranged, if you get my drift. It's the least they can do.
7. Less Katie Couric. Sorry, but I want Bob back. I look at Katie and two words come to mind: 'cuddly bedwarmer'. Not to knock your jorrnalistic expertise, but I was one of those twenty-seven persons who wasn't ever watching you on Today and got up for Good Morning America instead - and if I didn't want to catch you back then when your nice legs and cuddly attitude would have been great to wake up to, why do I want to see you now when I want to focus on what Vladmir and Shrubya are up to instead of your nice little rack? It's not that you're a woman - it's that you're softballing CBS into third place.
8. Jumper. I'll watch ANYTHING with Samuel L. Jackson in it (except Jungle Fever and Snakes on a Plane. He reminds me too much of one of my older brothers (during a very bad phase of his life) in the former, and as for the latter... I simply haven't gotten up the nerve yet. That says a lot, because I watched BOTH Amos and Andrew, and National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1! I specifically want to see him look at Hayden Christenson with that little gleam in his eye that says, 'Hey, motherfucker! Remember when you played me like a bitch in Episode III - Revenge of the Sith? Took my hands off because you wanted to hang on to one five-dollar piece of ass when you could have been rolling in a thousand and one flavors of pussy after we took Palpatine off the map and we put your needing a haircut self up on the Council? Bitch, I'm gonna turn you out so many ways that the folks who made Oz is gonna think that that's too much assrape!'
9. For everyone involved in the conception, approval and writing of the hideously insipid 'Jared Banks pretends he's a Buchanan' storyline on One Life To Live to be lined up and bitch-slapped so hard that as they try to regain their senses, they could each swear that they heard someone yelling at them 'Bitch, where's my money?' If you haven't seen the show, you won't understand - and if you have, you probably wish that you could be there at the slapping with a pair of broken-in leather gloves.
10. More of the Reverend Brian Darling (Glenn Fitzgerald) on ABC's guilty pleasure Dirty Sexy Money. I wouldn't mind seeing more of Lisa George (Zoe McLellan), either.
11. More of Alexandra Steele and Liz Claman, in the outfits that they used to wear all of the time. (Trust me. This would be a good thing.)
12. Programs for the kids that, if they have to watch SOMETHING, then this wouldn't be so bad. Remember Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom? WGN's Family Classics with Frasier Thomas? The Disney Sunday Movie? Hell, Jonny Quest rocked, and Land of the Lost wasn't bad, either! (Note to TPTB at Warner Brothers. Bring the Timmverse back. NOW. It was good television.)
13. As little of the 'Bimbo Summit' girls - Britney, Lindsay and Paris - as humanly possible. Also add into that wish all of the family members (oh, and we're going to get our fill of Jaime-Lynn come the summer!), hangers-on and acceptable fill-ins, should any of them regain their dignity and common sense and be unable to fulfill the duties of their position at the Summit. There's other things in the world to cover. (Along those lines, a basket of warm muffins and honey mead for Mika Brzezinski. Would all reporters and news anchors follow her example.)
End of line.
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