All I need is a lobotomy and some tights

You want to know what pisses me off? The attitude some people have that, unless you're at a certain point of 'growth' at a specific time in your lifespan, you're just not trying hard enough, or that you're just not good enough to be seen in their presence.

Case in point. I'm not married, and I'm not dating. Some would argue this as proof beyond refute of the innate superior intellectual capability of the human female. Some would say that it's simply because I don't have the scratch necessary to pull down a woman. Most would say that I'm simply not trying.

Let's go with the third option for the moment. To quote Robert Heinlein, sex is everywhere; it's silly to pay for it. (That being said, there's a lot of guys - and more than a few women - who've taken Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman and his attitude to heart, and feel that simply going to a person who specializes in that particular occupation when the urge arises is a better option. In their eyes, it's simply easier than dealing with the endless sub-munitions that litter the landscape of every relationship just for some sex.

Not that I'm against a 'relationship'. In fact, let's be honest about it - if you can find someone who actually likes you, enjoys having sex with you a good portion of the time you both actually deign to have it, isn't ashamed to be seen in public with you and (to your surprise) is actually there at your side when something really bad happens instead of leaving a contrail as they head out of the gravity well to the point where they can make the jump to hyperspace... that's a good thing. (Of course, here's hoping that you have the common sense to give as good as you get.)

What I am against is the belief that some people have that I'm supposed to be with someone - based on their idea of who that someone I'm supposed to be with is. It's for this reason that, on general principle, I hate the concept of blind dates. (Of course, the fact that I'm ugly enough to scare a starving pit bull off the back of a meat truck must also come into consideration. I am so very tired of women screaming like the Bride of Frankenstien and then doing their 'Marion Jones on go-juice' impression as they dash out of the cafe. A man can get the impression that women don't think very much of him after that happens a few times.) Nevertheless, who others think you might be good with is only part of the problem.

Another part? Your own unrealistic expectations. I'll let you simmer over that for a moment as you think not of the girl or guy that you'd like to be with, but the type of guy or girl that you think that you deserve to be with. (To be honest, this is a problem only with the very arrogant, the very snobbish, the very delusional, and anyone who looks like any character on a FOX Network or WB / CW Network program since 1989... when 90210 premiered.)

Hell, I'm a fan of the old-fashioned way of meeting someone... you just run into them somewhere, and say, 'Hmn. That's an interesting person...' As for me, with one exception, every woman that I've ever had a real interest in, the whole thing started with us not being able to stand each other. I have a horrible tendancy to let whatever's on my mind slip out - or worse, it was only when I got older when I realized that women really don't mean that they actually want to know what your opinion is or what you're thinking about. (Oh, God - PLEASE don't fall for the oldest trap in the book - 'Please tell me the truth...') They NEVER want to hear that! They want you to tell them whatever it is a fast-thinking or slick-as-hell guy can come up with on the spur of the moment to say that'll allow them to say to themselves, 'Yeah. I can believe that.' (The last five minutes of The Godfather is a textbook example of this.) Of course, once they got past the 'You're an absolute bastard' part, I guess they decided that I was all right, after all.

Back on the tracks of the subject again...Just because you're married, or you're in a relationship, or you're going out every not and then to bang or get banged by something - well, that doesn't mean that I have to follow along with you and your social ilk just to provide some sort of moral edification that your lifestyle is The Right Way, and that if I got my head in the game and followed along, well, then I'd be just as happy as you think you are right now! I've got a message for all of you matchmakers out there who want to pair everyone off into 'happy little couples'...


...


(Please, think of the worst possible think that you can imagine being called by someone, take it up three notches, and then envision Samuel L. Jackson being incredibly pissed on and totally uncaring about hurting your feelings or your mothers' feelings if she were there, too, as he says those things. That's the messge I have for all of you 'matchmakers'.)




Oh, and for the record, my parents were married for fifty-one years. On the flip side, I have five brothers and a sister. Each of them has been divorced at least once, for a current total of thirteen divorces.

Thank God I'm just too damned ugly to really need worry about any of this, regardless of what people think (if you want to actually consider the mental processes of most persons as 'thinking'). Oh, well. I'll have to find some way of 'relieving myself' when the urge arises...

Wonder what's on Cinemax late-night this evening?